Summerslam is two days away and I’m not very excited. Wrestlemania excited me because, well, for the most part I was excited because it took place in Philly. King of the Ring was exciting because it had a killer main event. Summerslam is supposed to be the second biggest WWF ppv of the year, right? This year they’ve brought Jesse “The Gov’na” Ventura to ref the main event. That’s big, sure, but it seems like the rest of the card is mediocre at best. The actual main event is much better now that Mankind has been added to the mix. It looks as if the bookers realized no one in their right mind gave three fucks about HHH so they added a real crowd favorite. Smart move, kid. And guess what? Mankind will be champ. I guarantee it. But more on that below:
THE ROAD DOGG vs. AL SNOW vs. BIG BOSSMAN: This is a three-way hardcore match. I’m a very big fan of these matches, but only if they leave the arena and fight backstage and outside. Why you say? Well, it’s different than the other matches and adds something to a ppv. The hardcore division really jumpstarted with that great Hardcore Holly/ Al Snow feud which lasted from February until May. It was wild, and because of it Hardcore ‘The Big Shot’ Holly is a big time WWF player. This three-way should be decent but don’t expect The Bossman to take any major bumps. He’s been adamant to the WWF that he hates hardcore wrestling and he wants to drop the belt. Guess what, folks? The Road Dogg should retain the Hardcore Belt.
THE BIG SHOW & THE UNDERTAKER vs. KANE & X-PAC: This match has a lot of superstars…but seriously. The Big Show sucks. He’s so damn slow and lame. The Undertaker has lost all of his charm, and even though one of my favorties is Kane, he’s not the best wrestler. You would expect The Big Show & ‘Taker to win, right? Undertaker is going to have hip surgery so don’t expect them to win. Anyway, expect Kane and ‘Pac to lose to the winners of the tag tourney either on Raw or during the re-match on Smackdown.
SHANE McMAHON vs. TEST: Shane only wrestlers on the BIG ppvs. He wrestled a fantastic match at Wrestlemania against X-Pac that I garnered ***1/2. Why? Because Shane is fucking hilarious and very entertaining. The next time he wrestled was at the hilarious ladder matchup for all the marbles at KOTR. I gave that ***1/2, though I do admit I have a soft spot for ladder matches, my favorite kind of match. Expect this to be a great matchup. Expect the Greenwhich Possee to show up, and Stephanie to show up, since the stipulation involves her. If Test wins he can continue to see Steph and Shane will not interfere. If Shane wins Test must break up with Steph and never see her again. I think since the Test and Stephanie storlyine is kind’ve old expect Shane to win.
IVORY vs. TORI: If they actually put this match on TV I will puke. The WWF’s women’s division is almost as sad as the WCW’s women’s division. Ivory vs. Tori? That’s more or less Shotgun-calibur. I don’t even know who has the belt, but Ivory is tough…isn’t she?
THE ROCK vs. MR. ASS: If Bad Ass Billy Gunn wins I will give you fifty million dollars. Why you say? The Rock, in my mind, is the best personality the WWF has had in a loooooong time. Mr. Ass sucks. He won the KOTR tournament for no reason at all. This feud is so lame it’s worth spilling milk over. I want to see that Rock/Jericho feud. Rumors say it won’t happen soon enough, meaning Jericho may just feud with X-Pac at first. Anyway, this match will probably suck though at least Rock entertains the piss out of you.
JEFF JARRETT vs. D’LO BROWN: D’Lo Brown has the European Title and the Intercontinental Title. One has to give, right? Rumors on the net say he’ll lose the IC title to JJ who will lose it to Jericho on Raw. These aren’t really rumors but fantasies. Expect JJ to take the IC title off him and lose it on Smackdown…but to Jericho? Who knows.
KEN SHAMROCK vs. STEVE BLACKMAN: This is a so-called ‘Lions Den Weapons Match’. The Lion’s Den is pretty cool, but adding weapons to such a small area? I don’t buy it, but at least it’s not a regular wrasslin’ match. This technically could go either way, especially since Shamrock beat Blackman last month, but I still expect the bastard to win.
TAG TEAM TURMOIL (ACOYLTES): This is a tag team tournamanet that probably will majorily be on Sunday Night Heat involving the following teams:
The Acolytes
Droz & Prince Albert
The Hardy Boyz
Hardcore Holly
Edge & Christian
Val Venis & The Godfather
Mideon & Viscera
The funniest part is Hardcore Holly being a tag team. At first I figured it would be him and his cousin, (great concept) Crash Holly, but no- it’s just The Big Shot. That will be very funny, but in the end, expect The Acolytes to win the tournament which gets them a shot at the real tag team the following night on Raw. Why the Acolytes? Well yes, the do suck, but in the world of WWF they always win or have the number one contender shots. Why? Maybe McMahon likes them, I don’t know, but they always come out on top so it makes sense they’ll win here.
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN vs. MANKIND vs. HHH: Ever since Hunter Hearst Helmsley signed a contract that stated he’d be the WWF champ sometime in 1999, everyone figured he’d win it at Summerslam. Hell, it has been practically sealed in stone on the internet that HHH would win. Now wait one fucking minute. Remember the KOTR where everyone thought The Big Show would win? They tricked us. No way in hell is Triple H going to win here. Why you say? Because it would ruin the end of a ppv. HHH will win the belt from Mankind on the premiere of Smackdown! Yes, that’s right. Mankind winning the belt at the climax of Summerslam would be shining, great moment. HHH winning would piss everyone off. Expect a brutal matchup and Mankind to take the gold.
It’s 2:56 pm on Monday, August 23rd, 1999. I start school tomorrow, but I’m more focused on the great night of wrestling ahead of me. The Las Vegas Nitro proves to be a big one. Sting vs. Hogan for the belt, with rumors of Sting going oldschool colors and Hogan turning bad, plus Kiss performing, and a possible return for Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart. Wow. WWF doesn’t really have anything set it stone but last night’s Summerslam was a great ppv. And guess what folks? I guaranteed that Mankind would win the title. No one in the world said Mankind would win. I did. I was right. You can take that guarantee to the bank. It should be a great live RAW tonight with rumors of Jericho interrupting Stone Cold’s interview, plus tomorrow night they’re taping Smackdown! To premiere on Thursday night on UPN. Wow. What a big fat wrestling week. After I catch the re-play of Summerslam on Tuesday I’ll write my in-depth review, but for now I’ll let you know what my record was. There were 9 matches. I correctly predicted 7, though I did pick the winners of the whole fucking tag team tournament, which should garner extra points. But I won’t become an asshole. 7 out of 9 is an astounding 77%. My highest prediction number. Along with that I’m pushing towards a *** rating for the event. Wow. It truly was a big ppv.
+JEFF JARRETT vs. D’LO BROWN: Coming into this match, D’Lo Brown had both the European Title and the Intercontinental Title. He left title-less. How? Mark ‘Sexual Chocolate’ Henry turned on his best bud to let JJ get the win. All in all a pretty lame even. This was the first ppv to have no wrestling on Sunday Night Heat before the ppv. I think this is good, because filling four hours of wrestling is hard, and the past few ppv’s had better Heat’s than actual ppvs. Now it’s all backstage interviews and music filled promos. Because of Smackdown now Heat has no wrestling anyway, just re-caps of the week, interviews, and my favorite new segment: Deja Video, where they show classic WWF moments with bonus interviews. The first segment had the infamous ‘Taker/Mankind Hell in the Cell matchup. Great. Heat is turning out to be a great show. Anyway, this match up here, why am I not talking about it? Two words: It sucked. ‘Nuff said. *1/2
+AL SNOW vs. THE BIG BOSSMAN: Yes, I am aware of the fact that up there a few ways I predicted The Road Dogg Jesse James to win the coveted Hardcore title in this match. Wait a minute. He didn’t even fight! No, he didn’t, but I did predict Bossman after I realized Dogg wasn’t fighting, just more or less ‘reffing’. The two combatants went across the street into a bar where they fought over bar stools and pool tables. I love these hardcore matches, though the WWF Hardcore Matches aren’t really ‘hardcore’, just No-DQ. You want hardcore? Check out TNN Friday’s at 8. Oh yeah, ECW’s got Raven back. Excellent, though I will miss him in Dubbya-C-Dubbya. He was once my favorite wrestler. Maybe he still will be. **1/2
+TAG TEAM TURMOIL (THE ACOLYTES): I picked the whole fucking tag team tournament! Of course my reasoning was excellent. The Acolytes do always win, I don’t know why. They got their title shot and lost, and now Mankind and The Rock are the tag team champs…how lame, though I have to give the WWF it’s due; without Vinnie Mac and Austin, they’ve got four hours a week to fill, which isn’t easy. This so-called Tag Team Turmoil was pretty fast paced and exciting. The Hardy Boyz definitely were the show stoppers, and the Hardcore Hollys the comedy relief. **1/2
SHANE O’MAC vs. TEST: I should have known better. This match had an interesting stipulation. If Shane McMahon wins, then Test can never see Stephanie McMahon again. If Test wins, then Shane and his posse have to leave the couple alone. Of course Test wins leading into the big time storyline of Test and Stephanie’s wedding, with the stoogest, Brisco and Patterson as the best men. At first I figured this wedding to take place at Wrestlemania, but that’s kind of a long way away, I’m figuring at the Survivor Series it’ll go down. Remember the Macho Man/Elizabeth wedding when Jake the Snake ruined it? Hilarious shit. Anyway, back to the best match of the night. Maybe it’s me, but Shane McMahon always has the best matches. Remember his Wrestlemania match against X-Pac? ***1/2. Remember the ladder match against Austin at KOTR? ***1/2. Here’s another ***1/2 for ya. Not only did Shane jump off the top rope and elbow drop Test through the spanish announce table, but the Greenwich Posse showed up and sat on a couch (yes, a couch) at ringside with a lamp and even a self portrait (I’m not kidding you). This is what wrestling is all about. Wow!
+IVORY vs. TORRI: What a lame match. This women’s division blows. Luna, Torri, and Ivory. Snooze Alert. Ivory wins. Can you believe I picked it? You know what’s wrong with this women’s division? The women aren’t hot! Sable was hot! Get some hot women! ½*
+THE ROCK vs. MR. ASS: This was a bad match…why? Because Mr. Ass is not in The Rock’s league. Add to the fact that they were both fighting for really no reason or belt, and you’ve got a bad ppv match. The only redeeming thing was Mr. Ass’s surprise; a fat women hidden under a grey blanket. The Rock is great when he’s got the mike, though it takes Mankind to get a good match out of the dude. *1/2
X-PAC & KANE vs. THE BIG SHOW & THE UNDERTAKER: Right now The Big Show is the worst wrestler in the business. Why? Because he’s so fucking slow and lame. Right now he has the worst storyline; working for The Undertaker. The ‘Taker has a neat gimmick, but get him in the ring and you will fall asleep. The only good matches he’s been in is when the other wrestler did cool stuff. I say bring back the Hell in the Cell but put The Dudley Boyz in it. Who should they face? Kane is good. Mankind’s already done everything possible with the HITC. Maybe the Hardy Boyz vs. Dudley Boyz Hell in the Cell. I’d order that ppv! This match was lame, though, and I was wrong, so let’s go to the next match before you make a lame ass comment. **
+STEVE BLACKMAN vs. KEN SHAMROCK: This was a Lions Den Weapons match. Everyone in the arena was apparently upset because they couldn’t see the thing. You didn’t miss anything. The weapons included nunchucks and a singapore cane. I think a chain was hanging around. Shamrock knocked out Blackman. I never liked either wrestler, but at least Jericho is starting a feud with the rock of sham. *1/2
+TRIPLE H vs. MANKIND vs. STONE COLD: I picked it. Yeah, enough gloating. Triple H won the belt anyway the next night, so it wasn’t too sweet a victory for Mc. This match had a lot of potential but failed. Stone Cold hasn’t been involved in a good match lately. The KOTR ladder match was halfway decent, but Stone Cold is more stale than ever for me. The last good main event WWF feud was The Rock/Mankind. Boy were those a great series of matches; the I-Quit match, the ladder match, the Halftime Heat match, the Survivor Series finale, and the Last Man standing match. With Triple H holding the belt, don’t expect any good main event feuds. This match was just okay. Jesse Ventura really didn’t do anything, which was a little disappointing. I wish the main event had a night ending bang but it didn’t. **
So there you go. Summerslam ’99 is over. It was a good ppv. **1/2. The best parts were the Shane/Test fight and the tag team turmoil. The hardcore fight was entertaining. The main event needing some fireworks, but all in all the ppv was a worthy Summerslam. As you all know, I shattered my old predictions with a staggeringly okay 77%, C+. I added up the stars and got 17.5. In twelve days WCW’s Fall Brawl greets us with it’s presence, minus the War Games element. The main event is Sting vs. Hogan. I’m sorry, but WCW has me frustrated. I thought they were on an upswing but they’re slowing down. Road Wild was good, but they need more. The Sid as Millenium Man isn’t cutting it. Where is Hak? As soon as he returns, all will be good. Until then.
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