WCW’s GREAT AMERICAN BASH

Baltimore, Md.

    We all know there’s a gap between this ppv and the last. The last ppv being WWF’s Over The Edge, where of course Owen Hart inadvertantly plunged to his death after a botched stunt was supposed to lower him on a cable from the rafters to the ring. At first they said he hit his release switch by accident, now they’re saying he wasn’t hooked on correctly. Whatever the reason, it was the darkest day in wrestling. He was only in his thirties, had a wife and two kids, and had a large family. Wrestling in general has moved on, WWF’s Higher Power mystery basically put Owen in the dust, and WCW didn’t really have any reason to dwell. Every time I see another headline about the tragic death I feel sad. I know, who was Owen Hart? I never met him. I never knew him. I knew a character. The thing about it is, that he didn’t OD on muscle relaxants, he didn’t die in a car accident…he died in the ring…in one of the most hellish freak accidents I’ve ever had the audacity to sort of witness (I was watching the ppv live, even though they didn’t show it…you had to know something was terribly amiss). Things already haven’t changed, even to the ironic words of Owen’s character: “Enough is enough and it’s time for a change.” The industry won’t forget you, and neither will I.
    WCW’s last ppv, Slamboree, was a great show, but pulled in the worst ppv ratings of the year (Souled Out: .75, Superbrawl IX: 1.2, Uncensored, .75, Spring Stampede: .68) with a horrible .48 To top that off, Nitro is scoring low 3 and upper 2 ratings while WWF hits near 7s. One point equals 100,000 homes.
    Fuck all this existensial shit. Let’s look at product. While WWF usually entertains the hell out of you, WCW is definitely for the older, more mature viewer. In short, it cracks you up. Which makes the ppv’s lame, since there aren’t any interviews just three hours of wrestling.
    How is the Great American Bash card? So-so. There are only three fights I’m looking forward to, (Nash/Macho, Cat/Norton, Hak/Knobbs) and we all know the Cat fight is going to bore the shit out of everyone anyway.
    WCW’s  push to get high ppv numbers this time around was to push the main event through the roof and totally forget about EVERY OTHER SINGLE MATCH. Which always works for WWF and usually ppvs only push the main event anyway. Here’s my predictions, my bitches, my ribs, my ideas, my thoughts: Underlined are the predicted victors.

DISCO INFERNO vs. BUFF BAGWELL: Who cares, right? Disco is funnier announcing, and his move, The Last Dance, is fucking Steve Austin’s move. Buff is a bore, also, so don’t expect much. Who will win? Who knows. Buff is a crowd favorite but it seems like the bookers always make him lose, so I’ll let Disco take the victory.

MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE vs. KEVIN NASH: They can’t crown a new Heavyweight Champ for the fourth ppv in a row can they? Hogan lost to Flair, Flair lost to DDP, DDP lost to Nash. In short: they’d better not. Although Macho as the champ would be entertaining, since Nash doesn’t really do much of anything. I heard Scott Hall might show up here but that was a month old rumor. The match should entertain since they’ve hyped it up like the next Star Wars movie.

DDP & BAM BAM BIGELOW vs. SATURN & CHRIS BENOIT: Talked about a botched tag team division. Curt Henig and some nobody had it and then lost it to Benoit and Malenko who lost it to Mysterio and Kidman who lost it to Raven and Saturn who lost it to DDP and Bam Bam Bigelow who lost it to Saturn and Benoit who lost it to DDP and Bam Bam Bigelow who lost it to Saturn and Benoit. What a disaster. None of these teams are even fucking tag teams, just two singles partners put together for a month or so. Saturn and Chris Benoit aren’t even fucking friends, so don’t expect them to keep the belts. This match will be just okay.

RIC STEINER vs. STING: Is it me, or is Stu right? Sting is stung every fucking time he wrestles. What’s up with this dude? He’s the most popular wcw wrestler and he always loses. Okay, he did win the belt a few weeks back, but he lost it after an hour long title reign. What a pussy. Don’t expect him to win here either, because Tank About and Scott Steiner always have plans…and the ref calling for a DQ is rarely used, they always do it when he’s not looking. Should be an interesting match, I like both combatants, and can’t wait to see what’s up Tank’s sleeve.

“ROWDY” RODDY PIPER vs. RIC FLAIR: The return wheelchair match, oh boy! These guys are funny, and with Arn Anderson and Asya at ringside, it should at the very least provide a few laughs. I think neither will be president after the summer anyway, it’ll probably be Bischoff or Hogan, so this match doesn’t mean much, but Piper as the president would make a few memorable Nitros until Rodman shows up.

REY MYSTERIO JR. & KONNAN vs. CURT HENIG & BOBBY DUNCUM JR: Man, that Duncum Jr. is ppv material! Shee-it, they call him Mr. PPV! Did you see that one steel cage match with him versus Sting when he won. Best match of my life. Okay I’m being fucking sarcastic, who is this washed up loser with cowboy hat and rope? This match is being touted on WCW. COM as a rap vs. country match. I guess if you look hard enough for reasons why WCW is no. 2 you can find them. These good guys should prevail, and it should be an okay match, with maybe two cool Mysterio moves.

HAK vs. “NASTY” BRIAN KNOBBS: Now that Bam Bam is officially out of the hardcore division, it’s more or less Hak, Knobbs, and Hugh Morris (which sucks, but has one more wrestler than WWF’s hardcore division). This match should be the best of the night. Why? Cause I love Hak. He’s da man. Remember last week when he pulled a Sandman and came out smoking? He always entertains. It hurt me when he wasn’t on the last ppv. He’s only been on 2 ppvs and made both of them look like classics. He pulls out no stops on pay tv. Remember the jump off of the stage coach at Spring Stampede? Awesome. Here’s hoping both men are bloody heaps and the crowd goes nuts.

SCOTT NORTON vs. THE CAT: I love the Cat. He hasn’t been on a pay per view since March’s Uncensored, when he lost to Jerry Flynn. Now let me ask you: Where is Jerry Flynn? Exaclty. Nowhere. But The Cat is still here. After almost nine months of doing the same exact “I am the greatest!” gimmick, he’s still going strong. I love The Cat. He’ without a doubt the funniest wrestler. His dancing, his James Brown imitation, and of course when he makes fun of the crowd. His Nortn feud is turning into a semi-classic, and this is the final nail in the coffin. Should at the very least, be somewhat interesting.

    It’s Wednesday night. GAB, for short, was on Sunday. Why’d it take me so long. Well I had to catch three replay matches last night (Hak/Knobbs, Macho/Nash, Ric Steiner/Sting) for obvious reasons you will find down below. How was it? About as bad as Suprbore, probably worse. In fact, I am now renamed this past WCW event as The Great American Bore. Yes, it truly sucked expect for maybe six minutes of entertainment. WCW put on a terrific ppv last month, one of their best, and then sink to their lowest. No Hogan, no Goldberg, no fun. Even the Hak match was below par, mostly because it was so damn short. The main even started at 10:35 and ended at 10:43. Talk about a killer anticlimax, though Sid Viscious showing up and surprising the world was a great ending, though it wasn’t great enough to make GAB seem worth watching. If you look for reasons why the WCW sucks, they aren’t exactly few and far between. Here are my thoughts on the night, the matches, the wild dogs (heh heh heh), and The Cat’s dancin’ shoes. Underlined are the winners, checked are the matches I predicted. My record is 75%, can I beat it? Find out below!
   
+HAK vs. “NASTY” BRIAN KNOBBS: At least WCW doesn’t have a Hardcore Belt. Why you ask? They don’t fucking need it. At first the hardcore division consisted of Hak, Raven, and Bam Bam Bigelow. Hak beat ‘em all, then lost to Bam Bam at Spring Stampede. Brian Knobbs showed up as Raven left to pursue the tag team belts. Bam Bam Bigelow beat “Nasty” Brian Knobbs and then retired to pursue the tag team belts. Hugh Morrus showed up to take Bam Bam’s place. Hak just beat Brian Knobbs. So right now, Hak, Morrus, and Knobbs are the only hardcore combatants. Talk about competition. Fuck my ramblings, was this match HARDCORE? Not really, though Hak really got his ass kicked. No tables, no fire extinguishers. One ladder, one chair, one trash can. Very short matchup. Hak winning than having his ass kicked. Great use of the ladder, maybe make the Morrus/Hak match next month a ladder match with the Hardcore Title way up high? Oh yeah, I said don’t have one. Maybe I’ve changed my mind. Wouldn’t that kick ass. Morrus and Hak Ladder Match. Wow. Don’t fuck this one up WCW. **1/2

THE CAT vs. HORACE HOGAN: Apparently Scott Norton wasn’t feeling good, so they replaced him with Horace. As if I care! We all came to see The Cat anyway. This time Sonny Onoo came out to the ring with a mysterious briefcase. We found out in it were The Cat’s red dancing shoes which he used to kick Horace in the face with and get the win. The Cat also has a flowing red cloak that has written in gold lettering: The Greatest. Man this guy is funny. Boring match but The Cat makes me laugh. **

+VAN HAMMER vs. MIKEY WHIPWRECK: Boy, an un-announced matchup on a ppv. I usually wouldn’t have been happy, but seeing this great matchup…sarcasm…heavy sarcasm. Whipwreck is cool…if he was in ECW (he actually had the ECW World Title once). Van Hammer blows because his gimmick is walking out with wrestling tights that feature the word peace crossed out. Whoa this match sucked. Majorly. This is a Saturday Night calibur matchup. It wasn’t even announced, so it wasn’t like revenge had anything to do with it. ½*

+CURT HENIG & BOBBY DUNCUM JR. vs. KONNAN & REY MYSTERIO JR.: This match was touted as a Rap vs. Country match. Who the fuck comes up with these ideas? The only true reason to have it was a way to introduce Master P and his No Limit soldiers into the fold. But even though Master P is this big rap producer…I’ve never heard of him or have seen ‘em. Who is this guy? Lame matchup, I hate Konnan, and Mysterio has sucked ever since he had his mask taken, now he’s a rapping hoodlum whose moves aren’t really exciting anymore. The other team, Team Country, is even lamer, though Curt Henig is pretty funny, especially his new Rap is Crap music. Horrible matchup, ppv worthy only because Master P’s involvment. *

“THE NATURE BOY” RIC FLAIR vs. “ROWDY” RODDY PIPER: This is the wheelchair rematch from Slamboree. See Flair won by cheating, but Bischoff overturned it, so both senior citizens thought they were the president. Now Ric Flair is officially the president, and on Nitro it was announced Piper is his vice-president. See, they aren’t enemies afterall, during this matchup Buff Bagwell showed up to help Piper but he got his ass beat by both men. Dull matchup, really lame. On Nitro it was said best by the Iceman Dean Malenko, the man of a thousand positions, “If someone woke up from a fifteen year coma and he saw you two (piper & flair) in the ring he’d think no time had passed.” Good job Iceman, you’ve got a pulse. *

DISCO INFERNO vs. BUFF BAGWELL: This ‘feud’ was started on Thunder. They had the weekend to build it up, but, damn it! I missed Saturday Night. Lame matchup. Disco did the Last Dance (which is Stone Cold’s stunner move) on Buff outside the ring which was cool, but Buff fucked up his finisher, The Blockbuster. Disco is hilarious…when he’s talking. I hope this dude gets an announcing job down the road. ½*

+RIC STEINER vs. STING: I had mentioned earlier that Stu is always right because he always says that Sting is stung. Sting is always stung. He really had his stinger stung Sunday night. The match was a no-holds barred matchup, meaning no disqualifications, pin falls count anywhere (ECW calls this type of match an Ultimate Death Match, but they try to build up everything). Okay match, Steiner gave Sting a piledriver on the cement which was killer. Then Steiner took Sting backstage where the cameras cut to an obviously taped segment where Scott Steiner and Tank Abbot had two doberman’s and a pitt bull attack Sting. In some of the scenes it wasn’t even Sting, it was a trainer with Sting suit, makeup, face paint, and A TOWELL AROUND HIS HAND. Yeah, I know, you can’t have the dog attack your hand without something to protect it, but Sting didn’t have shit and they cut to Sting with a towell around his hand. It’s gotten to the point in wrestling that the promoters know you know it’s fake so they don’t even try to make it look real. Funny and truly lame at the same time. I’ll give it **, but one and half of those stars are solely for the dogs, plus Ric called Baltimore, “The shittiest town.” Way to go. Fuck censorship!

+SATURN & CHRIS BENOIT vs. KANYON & DDP: The Triad is now Kanyon, DDP, and Bam Bam. Well they had the belts, lost them to Benoit & Saturn on Nitro, won them back on Nitro, lost them on Thunder, and now have them again. Jesus, does anyone give a fuck about these tag belts anymore? Give the belts to the Steiners or Harlem Heat and shut up already! And did you ever notice the luchadores are like there own wrestling organization (LWO flashback)? I mean they don’t even wrestle regular guys, just themselves, and they don’t even have storylines. I guess the match I’m supposed to be talking about must’ve been pretty lame for me to start talking about luchadores for no reason. *

+KEVIN ‘BIG SEXY’ NASH vs. “MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE: This match was officially 7 minutes long. 7 minutes!!! Do you realize how much you hyped this up and to give it merely 7 minutes of TV time!!! The fucking boring assed tag team matchup lasted near 25 minutes! This match really sucked. Macho’s women got involved, but the house really blew down when Sid Viscious showed up to everyone’s surprise. Hell, last month at ECW’s Hardcore Heaven Sid showed up to everyone’s surprise. This guy gets around. Great ending to a truly lame night. **

    Well The Great American Bore is history. I’m glad it’s history. Bash at the Beach should be good with Hak/Morrus and probably Sid/Nash and I’m sure Master P and Swoll will show up, and rumors of Kevin Greene. Rodman of course will show up July 5th but only be on the Road Wild ppv. Maybe they’ll get Tank Abbot into the ring, and maybe if we’re lucky that rumored Bret Hart/Goldberg match we’ve been waiting for forever will happen. Well, statistically speaking, GAB scored a low rating in my book of a 11.1, which makes it the worst ppv of the year, way below Superbrawl’s 16.5 which had been the lowest. In stars, that’s a *1/2. How did I score? Well the record is a 75%, a solid C, which I scored at Slamboree and WWF’s Backlash. I correctly predicted 6 of 9 matches, which is a 66% and a D. This ties my Uncensored and Spring Stampede scores, but doesn’t really go near the lowest of the low, my 50% F which I scored at Wrestlemania. But it should be hard to predict the big one, right? Well don’t figure King of the Ring to produce any records, since I have to predcit a whole 8 man tournament. Expect a doozy. See ya in Greensboro in a measly 11 days.