WWE WRESTLEMANIA XXXIV

ANDRE THE GIANT BATTLE ROYAL (MATT HARDY) (15:45): This was an excellent Wrestlemania. One of the best ever. That's probably why it was just as long as last year's but didn't feel as long. The indoor crowd helped as they roared with drunken approval for most of the night (the outdoor shows usually are a tad quieter because of the noise escaping). I watched four shows this weekend (there were probably ten or so); Lucha Underground vs. TNA, NXT: Takeover, ROH's Supercard of Honor, and WM. The match of the weekend was the NXT ladder match with Ricochet's debut. That was super entertaining. The second best match of the weekend was probably NXT's main event, Gargano vs. Ciampo. Kenny Omega vs. Cody and Nakamura vs. Styles were a little disappointing. And in this match, a lame, stupid Battle Royal, Matt Hardy won then joined with Bray Wyatt to form a tag team. Eh. *

CEDRIC ALEXANDER vs. MUSTAFA ALI (12:20): 205Live had a hell of a tournament this past month to crown a new champ. Unfortunately this final was dull. *

WOMEN'S BATTLE ROYAL (NAOMI) (9:50): Bayley turned on Sasha and tossed her out. That got the crowd hot and bothered. Otherwise this was forgettable. *

SETH ROLLINS vs. THE MIZ vs. FINN BALOR (15:30): Excellent match. Non-stop action, a super hot crowd, tons of near-falls. Perhaps this was the best Miz match ever? Rollins won the IC title from The Miz. ***1/2

CHARLOTTE FLAIR vs. ASUKA (13:05): Good but, alas, not great. Asuka either sucks or doesn't do anything for me; I can't figure it out. Charlotte was dramatic as hell, working a faux injured shoulder throughout then having to do her submission hold to win with only one arm. **1/2

JINDER MAHAL vs. RANDY ORTON vs. BOBBY ROODE vs. RUSEV (8:15): This sucked. I suppose it's because all four of these dudes are boring. Jinder won the title...I totally forget which one. U.S. title? 1/2*

KURT ANGLE & RONDA ROUSEY vs. TRIPLE H & STEPHANIE McMAHON (20:40): Remember the glory days of the WWE in the late 90's/early 00's? When Linda got out of her wheelchair at WM or 'Stone Cold' drove a beer truck to the ring and the crowd went ape shit? Well this match brought back that feeling. Multiple times during this the crowd was on their feet cheering in a frothing, orgasmic frenzy. It was a spectacle and the match and highlight of the night. Rousey sucks on the mic but she's fierce and awesome in the ring (this was her debut in ring). When she stepped in to face HHH the roof blew off the place. The WWE never does man vs. woman but they did some here and it was wild. Rousey roughed up HHH and Angle put Steph in the Ankle Lock. This reminded me so much of the old Vince vs. Austin matches, back when the WWE was on fire, when it wasn't just a stale, same old bore. This was special. It was the most entertaining 'Mania match in quite some time. It went too long, sure, but it defined the reason we watch this stupid shit in the first place. ***1/2

THE BLUDGEON BROTHERS vs. THE NEW DAY vs. THE USO'S (5:50): The New Day and The Uso's have been having stellar matches since last year. So of course they ruin it by adding the fake hammer wielding tag team that look like rejects from that old Hercules show WGN used to replay constantly. So forget a long, dramatic, exciting match. You're going to get a short, brutal beat-down. This sucked. The BB won the tag titles. As much as I hated The Wyatt family, they really should just go back to doing that. It wasn't that long ago! We know you're just Harper in Rowan wearing D&D outfits. *

THE UNDERTAKER vs. JOHN CENA (2:45): Wow. A three-minute match. Which is better than that God-awful 'Taker/Reigns main event at last year's 'Mania that went almost a half hour. So I shouldn't be complaining. Elias came out first to get beat up by John. Then 'Taker came out, did all his moves (kicked Cena in the head and completely didn't touch him but Cena still fell over as if he did) and won. Considering the only thing worthwhile about the old, hobbling dead man is his cool entrance, I guess this was apt. **

DANIEL BRYAN & SHANE McMAHON vs. KEVIN OWENS & SAMI ZAYN (15:25): Shane was in the hospital supposedly for diverticulitus last week...so he didn't jump off the stage or anything cool (he did do a coast to coast Van Terminator minus the chair/trashcan). And Bryan was awesome, albeit his in ring return here was overshadowed by his in ring wrestling bit on Smackdown a few weeks ago, anyway. And fuck, I really wanted them to never clear him so he would've joined New Japan in the Fall. Sigh. Bryan and Shane won. It was truly basic stuff but the crowd was hot. **1/2

NIA JAX vs. ALEXA BLISS (10:15): Ugh. Alexa sucks but Nia as champ isn't any better. Jax threw Bliss around like a rag doll early. Seriously, you will never see either of these women in a good match. 1/2*

AJ STYLES vs. SHINSUKE NAKAMURA (20:20): Kind of mediocre. It wasn't terrible. It's just that in NJPW two years ago they had a masterpiece of a match so the anticipation was high. Nakamura has officially only been in one good match since joining the WWE and it was his first one against Zayn. Maybe since then he's toned it down and gravitated toward vanilla waters since that's the WWE style. Either way, this never heated up or turned great. Nakamura turned heel but still lost. **1/2

BRAUN STROWMAN & NICHOLAS vs. CESARO & SHEAMUS (4:00): Strowman's partner was a surprise. Would it be Hulk Hogan? Nope. He announced that he would pick a fan out of the crowd to be his partner and ended up picking a ten year old kid named Nicholas (who turned out to be one of the ref's sons). When Strowman tagged in Nicholas to face Cesaro the crowd roared. Nick didn't do anything, though, and just tagged back in Strowman. This entertained the hell out of me and the crowd loved it. Maybe someone watched the old Kenny Omega vs. the 11 year old girl match from DDT on Youtube and thought it was worth replicating (in that match, though, the kid did moves and took bumps...it was pretty ridiculous). Anyway, your new tag champs are Strowman and some random child. **1/2

BROCK LESNAR vs. ROMAN REIGNS (15:55): The crowd chanted, "This is awful!" They also were more into watching a beach ball being hit around in the crowd. Yes, the hardcore fans hate Reigns...although it seemed tonight instead of booing they just didn't care...at all...because he was there. Didn't even care enough to boo loud (although there were some boo's and some cheers). The surprise was that Reigns lost. Him winning the title seemed a given. He kicked out of a bunch of F5's which the crowd rolled their eyes at. He also bled like a stuck pig. This was a good, brutal bout...until the end when it was a boring destruction and finally Reigns lost. **1/2