JOHN CENA vs. HHH (15:45): So apparently the WWE got a ton of cash to do this show. That's why this had a Wrestlemania worthy card in the middle of the desert that started at 12 noon on a Friday in Philadelphia. It was at a soccer stadium that fit 60,000 and was somewhat filled (the giant stage took up 1/4 of the place and they only had seating for 1/2 of the floor if that). Saudi Arabia of course is a backwards, religious country that isn't too far apart from Nazi Germany. They treat women like property and slaves, made homosexuality a crime that can get the death penalty, carry out public beheadings, etc. I could go on about how awful this place is. Just in terms of this show, women weren't allowed to wrestle. When they showed a WWE commercial on the big screen that happened to show some of the women wrestlers the country had to later put out an apology. Single men that got tickets had to sit in the nosebleed seats in a special section. Single women weren't allowed. The best seats were reserved for families and the Saudi royal family. So this was like watching the Olympics in Germany when Hitler was the leader. But money talks. And hell, the U.S. politicians still do deals and meet with the Saudi leaders so it's not like the WWE is doing anything shocking. Still, it's tough to support a regime that lives in cave man times. I watched it. I'm part of the problem, I suppose. And this first match set the stage for what was to come; a glorified house show. Sure, these two are stars and did all of their big moves. But it was flat and they didn't go for the home run. 1/2*
CEDRIC ALEXANDER vs. KALISTO (10:15): Decent match. Kalisto is great. He did a bunch of crazy moves, like bouncing off the top rope into a Spanish Fly. Cedric retained the 205Live title. **1/2
BRAY WYATT & MATT HARDY vs. CESARO & SHEAMUS (8:50): The Broken...er, Woken Brothers won the tag titles in a bore. 1/2*
JEFF HARDY vs. JINDER MAHAL (6:10): Hardy retained the U.S. title. He did a flip off of the top rope and completely missed Jinder but Jinder saw this and then still fell over. Ugh. Even the announcers failed at trying to cover for him. A mess. 1/2*
THE BLUDGEON BROTHERS vs. THE USO'S (5:05): Another Bludgeon beat down. They've really bludgeoned the entertainment out of this once hot Smackdown tag division. The Uso's got more offense than usual but, shit, it went only five minutes. The Brothers retained the titles. *
SETH ROLLINS vs. THE MIZ vs. FINN BALOR vs. SOMOA JOE "LADDER MATCH" (15:05): This was entertaining but they didn't do any suicidal stuff or noteworthy bumps. Finn was ready to pull down the title when Rollins jumped from the top rope to the ladder, scurried up it, and snatched the title down to retain the IC title. Lame ending. Eh. **1/2
AJ STYLES vs. SHINSUKE NAKAMURA (14:25): This was better than there 'Mania match but not by much. The ending was a double count out which sucked. AJ retained the title. Nakamura is better as a heel, anyway. **1/2
THE UNDERTAKER vs. RUSEV "CASKET MATCH" (9:40): Well The Undertaker can barely walk. The crowd cheered him, though, as they did with all of the big names. This was longer than the Cena/'Taker 'Mania match but it was mostly fake punching. 'Taker Tombstoned Aiden English, who I guess is Rusev's manager now? Or his friend? 'Taker couldn't lift Rusev for a Tombstone so they didn't even try that. It was like watching a faded legend. Transit sic gloria. Glory fades. 1/2*
BROCK LESNAR vs. ROMAN REIGNS "CAGE MATCH" (9:15): Everyone hated this. I liked it. It was all big moves and the end at least looked cool. Lesnar tried to climb the cage and had a hard time. Roman's Superman punches looked extra fake as usual. Roman was on the verge of winning, which he never was at 'Mania. His final spear on Lesnar, though, took them both through the cage as the side fell off and they crashed out on the floor. Lesnar's back hit the floor first so he kept the title. Roman, though, rolled off first and his feet touched the floor so he should've won. Who cares? Roman as champ won't work unless he's a heel. ***
THE GREATEST ROYAL RUMBLE (BRAUN STROWMAN) (1:17:20): This show was five hours long and this match felt like ten hours. There were fifty guys in this. I never thought it would actually end. Ziggler and Daniel Bryan were out first. Bryan lasted until the third to last. Bruan and Big Cass were the last two. Kurt Angle was in it, Jericho, Hornswoggle, some NXT dudes. All of the big guys were in this like The Great Khali and Mark Henry and some retired Sumo wrestler. Roderick Strong, from NXT, looked the best. Bryan looked good but got beat up and lasted over an hour just to lose. This was so long and SO fucking boring. I felt like being publicly beheaded just watching this. *
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