WWE GREATEST ROYAL RUMBLE

Jeddah, Saudi Arabia

JOHN CENA vs. HHH (15:45): So apparently the WWE got a ton of cash to do this show. That's why this had a Wrestlemania worthy card in the middle of the desert that started at 12 noon on a Friday in Philadelphia. It was at a soccer stadium that fit 60,000 and was somewhat filled (the giant stage took up 1/4 of the place and they only had seating for 1/2 of the floor if that). Saudi Arabia of course is a backwards, religious country that isn't too far apart from Nazi Germany. They treat women like property and slaves, made homosexuality a crime that can get the death penalty, carry out public beheadings, etc. I could go on about how awful this place is. Just in terms of this show, women weren't allowed to wrestle. When they showed a WWE commercial on the big screen that happened to show some of the women wrestlers the country had to later put out an apology. Single men that got tickets had to sit in the nosebleed seats in a special section. Single women weren't allowed. The best seats were reserved for families and the Saudi royal family. So this was like watching the Olympics in Germany when Hitler was the leader. But money talks. And hell, the U.S. politicians still do deals and meet with the Saudi leaders so it's not like the WWE is doing anything shocking. Still, it's tough to support a regime that lives in cave man times. I watched it. I'm part of the problem, I suppose. And this first match set the stage for what was to come; a glorified house show. Sure, these two are stars and did all of their big moves. But it was flat and they didn't go for the home run. 1/2*

CEDRIC ALEXANDER vs. KALISTO (10:15): Decent match. Kalisto is great. He did a bunch of crazy moves, like bouncing off the top rope into a Spanish Fly. Cedric retained the 205Live title. **1/2

BRAY WYATT & MATT HARDY vs. CESARO & SHEAMUS (8:50): The Broken...er, Woken Brothers won the tag titles in a bore. 1/2*

JEFF HARDY vs. JINDER MAHAL (6:10): Hardy retained the U.S. title. He did a flip off of the top rope and completely missed Jinder but Jinder saw this and then still fell over. Ugh. Even the announcers failed at trying to cover for him. A mess. 1/2*

THE BLUDGEON BROTHERS vs. THE USO'S (5:05): Another Bludgeon beat down. They've really bludgeoned the entertainment out of this once hot Smackdown tag division. The Uso's got more offense than usual but, shit, it went only five minutes. The Brothers retained the titles. *

SETH ROLLINS vs. THE MIZ vs. FINN BALOR vs. SOMOA JOE "LADDER MATCH" (15:05): This was entertaining but they didn't do any suicidal stuff or noteworthy bumps. Finn was ready to pull down the title when Rollins jumped from the top rope to the ladder, scurried up it, and snatched the title down to retain the IC title. Lame ending. Eh. **1/2

AJ STYLES vs. SHINSUKE NAKAMURA (14:25): This was better than there 'Mania match but not by much. The ending was a double count out which sucked. AJ retained the title. Nakamura is better as a heel, anyway. **1/2

THE UNDERTAKER vs. RUSEV "CASKET MATCH" (9:40): Well The Undertaker can barely walk. The crowd cheered him, though, as they did with all of the big names. This was longer than the Cena/'Taker 'Mania match but it was mostly fake punching. 'Taker Tombstoned Aiden English, who I guess is Rusev's manager now? Or his friend? 'Taker couldn't lift Rusev for a Tombstone so they didn't even try that. It was like watching a faded legend. Transit sic gloria. Glory fades. 1/2*

BROCK LESNAR vs. ROMAN REIGNS "CAGE MATCH" (9:15): Everyone hated this. I liked it. It was all big moves and the end at least looked cool. Lesnar tried to climb the cage and had a hard time. Roman's Superman punches looked extra fake as usual. Roman was on the verge of winning, which he never was at 'Mania. His final spear on Lesnar, though, took them both through the cage as the side fell off and they crashed out on the floor. Lesnar's back hit the floor first so he kept the title. Roman, though, rolled off first and his feet touched the floor so he should've won. Who cares? Roman as champ won't work unless he's a heel. ***

THE GREATEST ROYAL RUMBLE (BRAUN STROWMAN) (1:17:20): This show was five hours long and this match felt like ten hours. There were fifty guys in this. I never thought it would actually end. Ziggler and Daniel Bryan were out first. Bryan lasted until the third to last. Bruan and Big Cass were the last two. Kurt Angle was in it, Jericho, Hornswoggle, some NXT dudes. All of the big guys were in this like The Great Khali and Mark Henry and some retired Sumo wrestler. Roderick Strong, from NXT, looked the best. Bryan looked good but got beat up and lasted over an hour just to lose. This was so long and SO fucking boring. I felt like being publicly beheaded just watching this. *

WWE WRESTLEMANIA XXXIV

ANDRE THE GIANT BATTLE ROYAL (MATT HARDY) (15:45): This was an excellent Wrestlemania. One of the best ever. That's probably why it was just as long as last year's but didn't feel as long. The indoor crowd helped as they roared with drunken approval for most of the night (the outdoor shows usually are a tad quieter because of the noise escaping). I watched four shows this weekend (there were probably ten or so); Lucha Underground vs. TNA, NXT: Takeover, ROH's Supercard of Honor, and WM. The match of the weekend was the NXT ladder match with Ricochet's debut. That was super entertaining. The second best match of the weekend was probably NXT's main event, Gargano vs. Ciampo. Kenny Omega vs. Cody and Nakamura vs. Styles were a little disappointing. And in this match, a lame, stupid Battle Royal, Matt Hardy won then joined with Bray Wyatt to form a tag team. Eh. *

CEDRIC ALEXANDER vs. MUSTAFA ALI (12:20): 205Live had a hell of a tournament this past month to crown a new champ. Unfortunately this final was dull. *

WOMEN'S BATTLE ROYAL (NAOMI) (9:50): Bayley turned on Sasha and tossed her out. That got the crowd hot and bothered. Otherwise this was forgettable. *

SETH ROLLINS vs. THE MIZ vs. FINN BALOR (15:30): Excellent match. Non-stop action, a super hot crowd, tons of near-falls. Perhaps this was the best Miz match ever? Rollins won the IC title from The Miz. ***1/2

CHARLOTTE FLAIR vs. ASUKA (13:05): Good but, alas, not great. Asuka either sucks or doesn't do anything for me; I can't figure it out. Charlotte was dramatic as hell, working a faux injured shoulder throughout then having to do her submission hold to win with only one arm. **1/2

JINDER MAHAL vs. RANDY ORTON vs. BOBBY ROODE vs. RUSEV (8:15): This sucked. I suppose it's because all four of these dudes are boring. Jinder won the title...I totally forget which one. U.S. title? 1/2*

KURT ANGLE & RONDA ROUSEY vs. TRIPLE H & STEPHANIE McMAHON (20:40): Remember the glory days of the WWE in the late 90's/early 00's? When Linda got out of her wheelchair at WM or 'Stone Cold' drove a beer truck to the ring and the crowd went ape shit? Well this match brought back that feeling. Multiple times during this the crowd was on their feet cheering in a frothing, orgasmic frenzy. It was a spectacle and the match and highlight of the night. Rousey sucks on the mic but she's fierce and awesome in the ring (this was her debut in ring). When she stepped in to face HHH the roof blew off the place. The WWE never does man vs. woman but they did some here and it was wild. Rousey roughed up HHH and Angle put Steph in the Ankle Lock. This reminded me so much of the old Vince vs. Austin matches, back when the WWE was on fire, when it wasn't just a stale, same old bore. This was special. It was the most entertaining 'Mania match in quite some time. It went too long, sure, but it defined the reason we watch this stupid shit in the first place. ***1/2

THE BLUDGEON BROTHERS vs. THE NEW DAY vs. THE USO'S (5:50): The New Day and The Uso's have been having stellar matches since last year. So of course they ruin it by adding the fake hammer wielding tag team that look like rejects from that old Hercules show WGN used to replay constantly. So forget a long, dramatic, exciting match. You're going to get a short, brutal beat-down. This sucked. The BB won the tag titles. As much as I hated The Wyatt family, they really should just go back to doing that. It wasn't that long ago! We know you're just Harper in Rowan wearing D&D outfits. *

THE UNDERTAKER vs. JOHN CENA (2:45): Wow. A three-minute match. Which is better than that God-awful 'Taker/Reigns main event at last year's 'Mania that went almost a half hour. So I shouldn't be complaining. Elias came out first to get beat up by John. Then 'Taker came out, did all his moves (kicked Cena in the head and completely didn't touch him but Cena still fell over as if he did) and won. Considering the only thing worthwhile about the old, hobbling dead man is his cool entrance, I guess this was apt. **

DANIEL BRYAN & SHANE McMAHON vs. KEVIN OWENS & SAMI ZAYN (15:25): Shane was in the hospital supposedly for diverticulitus last week...so he didn't jump off the stage or anything cool (he did do a coast to coast Van Terminator minus the chair/trashcan). And Bryan was awesome, albeit his in ring return here was overshadowed by his in ring wrestling bit on Smackdown a few weeks ago, anyway. And fuck, I really wanted them to never clear him so he would've joined New Japan in the Fall. Sigh. Bryan and Shane won. It was truly basic stuff but the crowd was hot. **1/2

NIA JAX vs. ALEXA BLISS (10:15): Ugh. Alexa sucks but Nia as champ isn't any better. Jax threw Bliss around like a rag doll early. Seriously, you will never see either of these women in a good match. 1/2*

AJ STYLES vs. SHINSUKE NAKAMURA (20:20): Kind of mediocre. It wasn't terrible. It's just that in NJPW two years ago they had a masterpiece of a match so the anticipation was high. Nakamura has officially only been in one good match since joining the WWE and it was his first one against Zayn. Maybe since then he's toned it down and gravitated toward vanilla waters since that's the WWE style. Either way, this never heated up or turned great. Nakamura turned heel but still lost. **1/2

BRAUN STROWMAN & NICHOLAS vs. CESARO & SHEAMUS (4:00): Strowman's partner was a surprise. Would it be Hulk Hogan? Nope. He announced that he would pick a fan out of the crowd to be his partner and ended up picking a ten year old kid named Nicholas (who turned out to be one of the ref's sons). When Strowman tagged in Nicholas to face Cesaro the crowd roared. Nick didn't do anything, though, and just tagged back in Strowman. This entertained the hell out of me and the crowd loved it. Maybe someone watched the old Kenny Omega vs. the 11 year old girl match from DDT on Youtube and thought it was worth replicating (in that match, though, the kid did moves and took bumps...it was pretty ridiculous). Anyway, your new tag champs are Strowman and some random child. **1/2

BROCK LESNAR vs. ROMAN REIGNS (15:55): The crowd chanted, "This is awful!" They also were more into watching a beach ball being hit around in the crowd. Yes, the hardcore fans hate Reigns...although it seemed tonight instead of booing they just didn't care...at all...because he was there. Didn't even care enough to boo loud (although there were some boo's and some cheers). The surprise was that Reigns lost. Him winning the title seemed a given. He kicked out of a bunch of F5's which the crowd rolled their eyes at. He also bled like a stuck pig. This was a good, brutal bout...until the end when it was a boring destruction and finally Reigns lost. **1/2