When the final list of matches for this show was announced, a lot of fans noted that it was gonna be a long night. Which means we shouldn't have been surprised that this was the longest Wrestlemania in history and perhaps the longest pro-wrestling show in the U.S. ever. It didn't matter that we figured it'd go long...but this fucking long? The first match on the pre-show started around 5:45 PM and the whole show ended at 12:13 AM. That's right. 6 1/2 hours long. Perhaps Wrestlemania will just turn into the Oscars, always going long and pissing off everyone and never changing, or maybe they'll cut things next year and wake up. They could make it a two-night event. Hell, this show could've been broken up into four nights. Alas, this show had it's moments. It was entertaining but just way too long.
Pre-Show:
NEVILLE vs. AUSTIN ARIES (15:40): Neville retained the title here in a so-so match. Jack Gallagher actually had a much better match last month at Fastlane. Perhaps Aries is too old these days or these two don't mesh or the tepid crowd response didn't help. Aries did land on his head in one gruesome moment when Neville German suplexed him. Neville raked Aries' eyes to cheat and to win. ** (out of ****)
THE ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL (MOJO RAWLEY) (14:07): The major story wasn't that Major won (who?), it was that the New England Patriots' Rob Gronkowski jumped out of the crowd to help him win. The big fat Irish dude from NXT, Killain Dain, was also one of the stars. The Big Show and Braun Strauman got eliminated early. It was entertaining. **1/2
DEAN AMBROSE vs. BARON CORBIN (10:55): Ugh. These two had a great hardcore match on Smackdown two days after Wrestlemania where tables were smashed and chairs were used. This was just two dudes wrestling with a dead crowd waiting for the real show to start. *
Main Card:
AJ STYLES vs. SHANE McMAHON (20:35): Good match. Shane did his usual stuff (top rope elbow drop through the announce table, a post to post Van Terminator trashcan spot) but no high altitude suicide drop. Shane did a Shooting Star press and landed on his knees instead of flat. AJ is great and all and the match was good but, c'mon, the best wrestler in the world should be in a long, title match against a top-notch opponent on the biggest show of the year. ***
KEVIN OWENS vs. CHRIS JERICHO (16:20): This was actually pretty forgettable. Jericho is funny on the mic but not exactly a spring chicken in the ring. Owens did all of his patented spots and won. It was average. **
BAYLEY vs. SASHA BANKS vs. CHARLOTTE vs. NIA JAX (12:08): Good match, but a 1 on 1 longer, epic title battle would have been better. They teamed up to eliminate Nia first. Banks was eliminated next and Bayley pinned Charlotte to keep the title. The highlight was Charlotte doing a top rope moonsault/twist to the floor. **1/2
THE HARDY BOYZ vs. LUKE GALLOWS & KARL ANDERSON vs. CESARO & SHEAMUS vs. ENZO AMORE & BIG CASS "LADDER MATCH" (11:05): The loudest the crowd got all night was when The New Day came out and announced that this match would now be a Fatal Four Way and the new team in it would be...The Hardy Boyz! The place went berserk. The Hardy Boyz were in a ladder match on Saturday night in ROH against The Young Bucks...so, yes, it was a surprise that they were here. And this turned out to be the match of the night. It wasn't one of the best ladder matches ever or anything, but the crowd went nuts and Jeff Hardy did a Swanton off the Big Dog ladder at ringside onto Sheamus and Cesaro laid out on two ladder bridges. It was a fucking spectacle. ***
NIKKI BELLA & JOHN CENA vs. THE MIZ & MARYSE (9:40): Short, average match. But after the match, Cena proposed to Nikki and she said yes and it was a cool moment. She should have said no, kicked him the balls and went and made out with The Miz...but Vince Russo isn't writing this shit anymore. **
SETH ROLLINS vs. HHH (25:30): This was the longest match on the show...and the crowd yawned. Rollins did do some cool top rope jumps even though his knee was supposed to be injured. Stephanie went through a table at ringside when Seth shoved HHH and HHH knocked her off the apron. That got a big pop. But most of this was pretty dull. **
BRAY WYATT vs. RANDY ORTON (10:30): They had an awesome set with a big Earth globe and a rollercoaster and a walkway down to the ring that was also a video screen. When Orton walked down to the ring a viper snake followed him down on the screen. That was neat. And three times during the match a video projection filled up the ring with bugs and worms and things for no real good reason. I guess Wyatt is friends with the guys in the production truck? Orton won the title here with an RKO out of nowhere. There really was no drama or build. This was short, it was late, who cares? Wyatt just won the title at the last Smackdown PPV. What a title reign! *1/2
BROCK LESNAR vs. GOLDBERG (4:45): Good match. As good as it could be, really. Goldberg took bumps! Ten German suplexes! Lesnar kicked out of the Jackhammer. Goldberg also speared Lesnar through the guardrail at ringside. All big moves, all action. And Lesnar won the Universal title. ***
NAOMI vs. ALEXA BLISS vs. CARMELLA vs. MICKIE JAMES vs. NATALYA vs. BECKY LYNCH (5:35): Someone complained that the Smackdown Women's Title shouldn't be defended on the pre-show so they moved it to the dead spot. Nice. This was very short and chaotic and a mess and just okay. Naomi, who's from Orlando, won the title. *1/2
THE UNDERTAKER vs. ROMAN REIGNS (23:05): The worst match on the show was saved for last! Reigns won in a botch-filled, ugly match. 'Taker did get speared and slammed through the announce table. That was the one entertaining moment. 'Taker is too old so it's good that he retired. After he lost he laid his jacket, gloves, and hat in the ring and left. They kicked out of everything of course but this was just awful. The retirement thing was a good "big" ending but at this point, past midnight, we all just wanted to either go home or go to bed. *
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