WWF ROYAL RUMBLE

from Madison Square Garden, New York, New York

    I haven’t actually written out my predictions for an event since WCW’s Halloween Havoc which I incidentally did not review. I came to a point where I was sick of watching those show opening B matches just because I had an obligation to review them so I could rate the entire ppv. I also came to a reasoning that there hadn’t been a ppv that I was excited about in a long time. The last time I was excited about a ppv was probably the King of the Ring way back in June. That was mostly because of the main event which consisted of Austin-Shane- and Vince in a ladder match.
    But here comes the WWF’s first ppv of 2000. The infamous Royal Rumble, held in the even more infamous Madison Square Garden. The main event is Triple H taking on Cactus Jack in a street fight which promises buckets of blood and at least one or two major bumps. The other matches include the 30 man rumble, a table match between my favorite two tag teams, a women’s swimsuit competition, and a rumored premiere of ECW’s own Taz(z). So here goes nothing. My predictions are underlined.

THE ACOLYTES vs. THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS: You know how Sting is always stung? Well the Acolytes always win. This is the only match I couldn’t give a shit about, since I hate DX and the Acolytes are only entertaining backstage.

MYSTERY OPPONENT vs. KURT ANGLE: Angle is undefeated, so the rumors persist that Tazz will show up and taxplex his ass through a table and give him a loss. WWF.com stated that Tazz will not be at the Rumble, which means that the other rumor is Ken Shamrock will show up. Sinze Tazz is from the Red Hook section of Brooklyn, and he’d be premiering in his hometown, it only makes sense that he’ll come out and beat the shit out of Angle, then he could do an interview on Raw in Philly. But even if it isn’t Tazz…I see Angle going down.

BB vs. TORRI vs. TERRI vs. MAE YOUNG vs. THE KAT vs. IVORY vs. JAQUELINE vs. LUNA: This is a swimsuit competition. I don’t even know if it’s a fight…and I don’t even know if the women’s title is on the line. I do know that the elusive ‘net rumors at this match featuring nudity. The reasons? Supposedly WWF is promoting the ppv with a TV-14 rating. Well below the TV-14 rating were the letters V-L and N. Violence, Language…Nudity??? They did it at Armageddon…so it wouldn’t surprise me here. I’ll take the blonde bombshell ‘cuz she’s new and has to get a win somewhere.

THE HARDY BOYZ vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ: This is the one match that could actually turn out –better- than Jack and HHH. Why? Well, the WWF finally realized the Dudley’s are only entertaining when the hardcore quotient comes into play. This is a tables match, which I guess means you have to put your opponents through as many tables as possible. The Hardy Boyz and the Dudley Boyz are my favorite two tag teams in any federation, and expect this to be a great match since all four guys will take major falls and keep on coming. Expect a classic…and since the Dudley’s are getting a push (new outfits…new hardcore attitude) expect them to snag the upset.

CHRIS JERCHO vs. HARDCORE HOLLY vs. CHYNA: I guess it was interesting on paper. They made Jericho –and- Chyna co-Intercontinental Champs. Meaning expect Holly to win and do away with this silly stipulation that hasn’t really been too entertaining.

THE ROYAL RUMBLE (Undertaker, Big Show, Val Venis, British Bulldog, Al Snow, Rodney, Scotty 2 Hotty, Test, Stephanie McMahon, Mark Henry, & Rikishi Phatu)
Me, Stu, and Jack bet on this year’s 30-man Rumble. Supposedly there are two mystery guys, so that’s where Undertaker and Stephanie McMahon stem from. I think the only guys that have a shot are Kane, The Rock, The Big Show, and The Undertaker. The bottom line is that if ‘Taker shows up he’ll win, if he doesn’t I’m betting on Kane…though Stu has him so I’ll take my guys like a man. The Rock is the obvious choice, and The Big Show is another choice that makes sense, but Show just had the fucking belt so I doubt he’ll win. Rock would be way too obvious. I say The Big Show –and- The Rock won’t win. I really think Kane will win. Hopefully it’ll a good Rumble, since it’s roughly an hour long. 30 man total. Each man comes in every two-minutes. I hope there’s a surprise at the end…like last year. Vince winning the ‘Rumble and drinking a few cold ones with the corporation was classic.

    The 2000 Royal Rumble was an okay ppv. I can’t say good because it wasn’t. I will say that it had two good enough matches to make it the best WWF ppv since Summerslam. The internet seemed to enjoy the ppv because it had a lot of moments you can talk about for a few weeks. One of the Hardy boys jumping off a balcony (okay, it wasn’t a balcony but I don’t know what you call it) and giving D-Von a senton bomb through a table. Mae Young showing MSG her puppies (I’m not kidding…and yes, maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up). Cactus Jack pulling out a 2x4 wrapped in barbed wire. The Rock winning his first Rumble. And I can’t forget how they kicked off the show…the introduction of Tazz into the WWF.
    It was a wild night…and definitely worth watching, which I usually don’t say about pay per views. Here are my thoughts, my bitches, gripes, and moans…and oh yeah…that Raw in Philly really sucked.

TRIPLE H vs. CACTUS JACK: I picked Mick Foley to take the strap off the French dude. I figured he’d have a re-match at No Way Out in February and lose the title. Guess not. It was a solid, brutal, 30-minute matchup that was awesome but had enough silly things to make me garner it ***. Triple H bled, yes, but it was obviously fake blood. Also, Cactus pulled out a piece of wood wrapped in –real- barbed wire. Triple H hit Jack three times in the gut and over his back with the –real- barbed wire. The ref made the spanish announcers hide the wired board under their table. When Jack ran over and got it he pulled out a board with rubber barbed wire on it. Of course he hit Triple H in the head with the –fake- barbed wire about five times but it was extremely silly. HHH did take a stiff piledriver on the spanish announce table which didn’t break, and he had a huge gash in his leg that spewed real blood, so I guess I can forgive him for not taking a –real- barbed wire shot or gushing –real- blood. The match was definitely a classic for one simple reason: HHH gave Jack a pedigree on thousands of thumbtacks. Jack got up with them sticking in his forehead and one was in his neck. Hardcore to the bone. If he retires soon and this is his last big match, then he definitely went out in style. Wrestling ain’t gonna be the same without that ol’ bastard.

THE ROYAL RUMBLE (THE ROCK): So the obvious choice won, and it’s going to be HHH taking on The Rock at Wrestlemania 2000 from Anaheim’s Pond. That match just plain sucks…so hopefully the undercards will be amusing like last year’s. I’ve only seen one or two Rumbles…and they’ve never been good. This was was extremely boring, and it was only exciting because me and my bro and friend bet on it. They have to keep the Rumble just because it’s a pretty interesting concept, but at least add some –oomph-. They at least tried to last year. This year they didn’t attempt anything. And where the hell are Vince and Shane? Your company sucks without you. Though Tazz is pretty cool. *1/2

CHRIS JERICHO vs. CHYNA vs. HARDCORE HOLLY: I picked Hardcore, being that Jericho and Chyna were in the IC title storyline for way too long and have made the title boring. Jericho is funny when he talks. Before the match Chyna told Jericho he has to be, “Chivalrous.” Jericho laughs, “Chivalrous? We aren’t in medieval times.” The funniest thing I’ve heard so far this year. That guy is great. Though his storyline with Chyna is so old. Give him a new opponent. He hasn’t been the same ever since The Fink left him. *1/2

BB, MAE YOUNG, JACKIE, TERRI, IVORY, MS. KITTY: This was a swimsuit competition, and yes, Mae Young showed everyone her tits. It was the furthest the WWF has ever gone and I seriously doubt they will ever go any further. Sick. Disgusting. Twisted. What the hell is Vince McMahon thinking? And what was up with the censored bar on the screen? It didn’t even censor the horrors of…Mae Young. I wish they had just cut to black. Horrible. Horrible. Terri looked hotter than she’s ever looked, though. Man. To think Golddust was banging her. Man. What the hell did he do to leave that slice? I don’t know if I should rate this. Though it’s something that will unfortunately never be forgotten. At least there were three hot chicks. Where’s Sable when you need her, though? **1/2

+TAZZ vs. KURT ANGLE: The only match of the night I predicted correctly. Talk about a jip. Tazz’s entrance was awesome. Orange flashing lights. Pounding music. He walks out with his towel over his head. He’s a tough a-hole but whether or not he can pull it off in the big league is beyond me. I think he’s got enough to do it. His storyline with Angle is interesting. He choked out Angle and Angle says his win streak is not in jeopardy because the choke was illegal. Whatever. Great way to start off the ppv and Tazz looked sharp. Too bad he had to give Angle the tazzplex on the mat instead of through a table like in his ECW days. **1/2

THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. THE ACOLYTES: I mentioned The Acolytes always win. Apparently they don’t. This match was maybe three minutes long and three minutes too long. ½* only because Bradshaw gave Ass a sweet looking clothesline from hell that flipped him.

THE HARDY BOYZ vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ: The best match of the night ended up being the table match between my two favorite tag teams in all of wrestling. Finally…the Rock has come back to…wait a minute. Finally the Dudley Boyz are becoming ‘hardcore’. When they started in the WWF they were just a basic kicks-and-punches tag team, but now they’re table smashing mother fuckers and the fans (at least I am) are eating it all up. Buh Buh Ray started off the match by calling John Rocker (the Braves b-ball player that publicly stated he hated New York because of all the immigrants) a “hero”. There were some sweet table bumps by every member of the team, but the best one was Jeff Hardy’s senton bomb off the entranceway onto D-Von. As the Hardy’s celebrated their win, the Dudley’s lay in the entrance on smashed tables looking like they’d been in a tornado. Buh-Buh and D-Von grabbed eachother’s fingers in a half-handshake as they lay on the debris. It was a touching moment. They did it. They had to go through a lot of pain and a lot of heartbreak but it was over and they survived and they were in the big leagues in the WWF in MSG with fans chanting their match. It was a truly touching moment. Just them two saying we did it. Wow. What a fucking match. ***1/2

    So there it is. The 2000 Royal Rumble will never be forgotten…whether it be for the brutal Cactus Jack match, the Dudley/Hardy high flying hardcore table bout, or the ninety year old hag flashing the crowd. It was an okay ppv…simply because the actual Rumble sucked big time. It was way too obvious for The Crock to win. I give the ppv **1/2 only because of the two hardcore matches and the intro of Tazz. It was definitely a ‘big’ ppv, in fact so ‘big’ that they decided to have nothing happen at the Philly Raw. I was sincerely glad I didn’t go. I expected Tazz to talk, and Vince or Shane to show up. It was a lame Raw, though Nitro wasn’t really any better either, though Funk’s moonsault off the top rope was pretty funny, and with Sid the champ at least it’s not Hogan. Though I am sad to admit I miss the old guy.
    I predicted a meager 1 match out of 7 which is a horrible record setting 14.29%. There is no way in hell I’ll ever predict lower. The only way would be for me to watch a ppv and not predict one match. Hell, at least the Rumble surprised me…though not with The Rock. I just figured he wouldn’t win because it was too obvious. Oh well.
    The next ppv up is Superbrawl 2000. If you will remember it was last year’s Superbrawl that was the first wreslting ppv I watched on my box and the first ppv I rated and reviewed. Last year’s wasn’t too great, and don’t expect fireworks from this one. So far it’s Sid taking on Hart, Funk and Ric Flair vs. Scott Hall & Nash, JJ vs. Kidman, and Fit Finlay vs. Knobbs. As of now Benoit and Saturn are officially out of WCW, and supposedly them and Malenko and Douglas are signing with the WWF and will probably show up in February. Chris Benoit at Wrestlemania. I never thought I’d see it. Maybe he’ll go fight Tazz. That’d be a wild match. Anyway, my time here is done, and my oh-so interesting Superbrawl 2000 (it’s really Superbrawl X, as if you cared) predictions won’t be out until around February 17th…which is 3 and ½ weeks away. 23 looong days. Hell, I can cope. So it goes. Until then.