WWF FULLY LOADED

Sunday, July 25th from Buffalo, New York

    I don’t want to ruin the fun or anything, but last year’s Fully Loaded fully blew. The main event was a lame assed tag team between tag team champs Austin & Taker verses the deadly duo themselves; Kane & Mankind. Guess who won. Kane and Mankind. The other big match was the boring as shit Rock/Tripe H brawl. But that was last year, so maybe things will change, especially when you factor the fact in that now every ppv is big, not just the big 5. In my mind the main event is always fucking awesome, and the rest of the ppv blows, but Sunday Night Heat rocks. So watch Heat then wait until 10:00 pm. This years main event is a doozy, with a massive stipulation. But, the title isn’t going to change hands this much is it? Most expect the rumored HHH vs. Austin matchup at Summerslam, with HHH winning. Jesse “The Body” Ventura is reffing so you gotta expect Austin to chug beers with him, right? Enough of my blathering, I’ve got 10 whole matches to predict here, and there are enough WWF rumors circulating about this ppv already, but none of the main event. Here goes:

AL SNOW vs. BIG BOSSMAN: What a lame matchup. Al Snow is sort of interesting, because he at least does hardcore outside of the ring action, but Bossman is truly the laughing stock of the wrestling community. Since Hardcore Holly has officially left the hardcore division to have a feud with Kane, it seems that the WWF Hardcore division consists of…Al Snow…who happens to be champ. At least WCW has more than one wrestler in the hardcore division. Expect this match to suck and blow. Snow should retain the coveted belt though, why Bossman would win is beyond me.

D’LO BROWN vs. MIDEON: I hope this match occurs on Heat, because I really can’t sit through this thing. Mideon is a fat fuck who can’t do anything cool beside crawl on the ring apron, and D’Lo is sort of funny when he walks to the ring, but wrestle eachother? Lame-O 9 million. This match is for the European Title which was put to rest after Wrestlemania but brought back so it could be showcased around young wrestler’s waists and primarily used on this fall’s new UPN show, Smackdown. Mideon has the belt now and rumors say D’Lo is getting it, don’t expect anything less.

JEFF JARRETT vs. EDGE: The biggest rumors on the ‘net are that Edge will not only defeat JJ for the Intercontinental Belt, but also take Deborah away from him. I don’t know about the chick part, but he should take the belt away, seeing that JJ is boring as shit and at least Edge hasn’t had it before. This match should be truly epicially lame. Man this ppv card really sucks so far, eh?

TEST vs. JOEY ABBS: I’m guessing this match will be showcased on Sunday Night Heat because on wwf.com it wasn’t on the ppv card. Maybe they realized the suck value of it. Really though, it could turn out to be funny if the rest of the Greenwhich Possee shows up and has a brawl, then Stephanie and Shane could show up, turn the match into an entertaining one. It’s a tossup as to who will win, but Test should get the win since lately he’s had his ass handed to him on a silver platter by those dudes. Just please…don’t wrestle too long.

TRIPLE H vs. THE ROCK: Whoever wins gets to be the main eventer at Summerslam. I won’t deny the HHH/Austin rumors, so let’s go with the Hunter Hearst Helmsley dude. This match will be okay, since The Rock entertains somewhat, and Chyna’s outside interference could help entertain. These wrestlers, in my mind, have wrestled way too much. Last summer they had a big feud. I think the bookers are watching last summer’s storylines too closely. Undertaker/Austin was a big draw at Summerslam’98, why not do it again at Fully Loaded? And the last first blood match was at last summer’s King of the Ring. Jesus…what else happened last summer…

THE BIG SHOW vs. KANE: Hardcore Holly is the special referee. This could be the second best match of the night. Why? Big Show cracks me up, and Hardcore is the best WWF wrestler. He's great. Kane is cool, too, at least his opening is. Expect a slow match but with a special ref it should be wild. Either man could win, but I’ll pick the big man because he’s got to start looking good if he’s gonna feud with Austin in the future…rumored to be at Wrestlemania 2000 at The Pond in Anaheim, California.

KEN SHAMROCK vs. STEVE BLACKMAN: On wwf.com they stated this match as being an Iron Circle Match. I’m guessing it’s a Lion’s Den Match, but wouldn’t they have said that? At first it was a Special Weapons Match. Who cares, right? Both competitors suck, Blackman was a nobody until Vince decided to use him at KOTR. I hope it’s a special weapons match or a lion’s den, then it’ll have something special at least instead of a boring wrasslin’ matchup.

THE HARDY BOYZ vs. THE ACOLYTES: Rumors are circulating that The Acolytes will win when Michael Hayes fucks up or turns bad. No way. The Hardy Boyz just won the belts, no way are they going to switch this early. This match will be okay, because the Boyz at least try.

X-PAC & THE ROAD DOGG vs. MR. ASS & CHYNA: Whoever wins this tag team matchup gets the ‘rights to DX’. Whatever that means. This match will either turn out to be high flying excitement or lame assed same old. I’m guessing on the latter. WWF is really getting lame fast, which is sad because they were truly riding a high flying wave. With Ventura reffing SS, though, expect a bigger ppv next month. I’m guessing that the good guys win, because the bad DX members have been winning everything lately.

‘STONE COLD’ STEVE AUSTIN vs. THE UNDERTAKER: Definitely the best match of the night, only because of the massive stipulations involved. The Undertaker really bores me as a wrestler, and even though Austin only uses a clothesline and stunner, he at least has a high energy attitude in the ring. This should be the best match of the night, because in wwf country the put everything possible into the main event and the rest of the ppv sucks ass. This is a First Blood Match, whoever bleeds first loses. Austin has the title on the line, but there is more on the line than a cut or a title. If Austin wins he retains the belt and Vince McMahon can never be on WWF TV again. If The Undertaker wins he becomes the WWF Champion, and Austin can never have the WWF Championship Title again. Pretty hefty there, but expect both stipulations to go out the window when the refs go down and both men are bloody messes. Expect both McMahons to come to the ring, expect a brawl, expect more than one stunner, but Austin should retain the belt nontheless.

    It’s Wednesday, July 28th, 1999. Why the lame-assed date? I don’t know…Deep Blue Sea starts today…looks decent but will definitely be lame. Speaking of LAME, did you see the WWF’s 1999 Fully Lame ppv? That’s right, it has officially been re-named to Fully Lame instead of Fully Loaded. Why? Cuz it was just that…lame. The First Blood match was a disappointment, even though after the match it got kind’ve good. Every other match really blew, except for the hardcore match which was interesting because they went outside and stuff. WWF, in my mind, is getting old fast. The do recycle too many of their old storylines. HHH as champ will just put the WWF into a gutter that WCW knows too well. Give Kane the belt, that would be fantastic. Anyone but HHH. Why am I talking like Triple H already has the belt? Because he signed a contract which gives him a title reign. Wether or not he gets the belt at Summerslam is meaningless- he’s getting the belt this Fall either way. My guess is he’ll win it at the September PPV re-match. Anywhore, here are my gripes, bitches, and moans on July’s WWF ppv. Could I predict every match right? Doubtful, but read ahead to find out. Winners underlined, checks to my correct predictions:

EDGE vs. JJ: I am not an idiot but I do listen to ‘net rumors, and they said Edge was winning the Intercontinental Belt and taking Deborah away from Jeff Jarrett. To my surprise, Edge had won the IC belt from JJ the night before at a Skydome houseshow. So of course Edge wouldn’t be winning the belt if they had a rematch scheduled THE NEXT NIGHT. So I picked Edge before I knew all this and kept my word but I’m a moron. This match really blew, WWF truly sucked ass on Sunday. *1/2

THE ACOLYTES vs. THE HARDY BOYZ & MICHAEL HAYES: The other big rumor of Fully Lame was that Michael Hayes would cost the Boyz the tag team belts. I didn’t buy it because the Boyz just won the belts and The Acolytes just had it. What a moron, the only true rumor of the whole night. An okay match, the Boyz do some high flying Luchadore shit, but otherwise same old boring WWF. The World Wrestling Federation is only good on Raw or WarZone when they do interviews and funny backstage antics. Wrestling they don’t do well…let ECW do that. **

+MIDEON vs. D’LO BROWN: Okay, this wasn’t really a rumor, just what everyone and their mother expected: D’Lo to win the European Belt from Mideon. This match belonged on fucking Shotgun. WWF is slowly sinking into a deep funk. I truly doubt Jesse Ventura can lift it out…because look at the match he’s reffing…HHH vs. Austin? Both guys have no moves, and HHH just plain bores you to death. ½*

BIG BOSSMAN vs. AL SNOW: Not as good as The First Blood match, but definitely the only other watchable match. I can’t believe people pay $30 bucks for pay per views. Maybe a Wrestlemania, but Fully Lame? I don’t think I would pay $10 for a ppv. I seriously can’t believe anyone ever buys any WCW pay per views, even if they’ve got thirty people paying cash for it. Pay per views have never, ever been better than the Monday Night shows. Never. This match was sort’ve funny because it was a hardcore match and they went outside. Bossman wins, he’s the Hardcore Champ. And I thought WCW crowning Fit Finlay the Hardcore champ was idiotic. **1/2

+THE BIG SHOW vs. KANE: Hardcore Holly was reffing this match. Why? So he could help Giant get the win. I like Kane, he’s one of my favorites, but Giant fucking blows. This match was the most boring thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life ever seriously it put me faster asleep than that boring as nigger shit The Negotiator. Hardcore Holly didn’t even do anything funny. Okay, Undertaker came out, but he sucks more than anyone in the WWF…okay Edge is pretty lame. *

+KEN SHAMROCK vs. STEVE BLACKMAN: I had mentioned earlier that WWF recycles all of their storylines. Well not only that, but they copy from WCW every chance they get: The Ric Flair presidency storline (3:16 CEO), the N.W.O. (Corporate Ministry). WCW’s Bash at the Beach had a hardcore junkyard match where they all fought around a circle of cars. This Shamrock/Blackman match was titled, ‘Iron Circle’ match, and they fought in a circle of cars. Not as big as BATB’s match, but an obvious rip-off. Okay match, but the copy factor takes off a lot of the excitement. **

+ROAD DOGG & X-PAC vs. CHYNA & MR. ASS: Why does Mr. Ass have two names? He’s known as The Bad Ass Billy Gunn, and Mr. Ass. Stupid. I hate DX. (side note: these reviews bite because I’m not really into it because it’s about ninety-six degrees in this fucking house and I have to work at Slaveco Grocery tonight) I checked out Woodstock, what a fantastic show. Okay, this match really blew. I hate DX, I’ve always hated DX, every member in DX sucks, has always sucked, always will suck. It was probably the worst idea every created that fans loved. This match was for the rights to DX. What a horrible stipulation, but if you think that’s a bad stipulation, wait until the next match. The good guys obviously win…please, WWF, let DX truly disappear for a long, long, long while. Becase, as they say, DX: suck it. *1/2

+HHH vs. THE ROCK: I used to love The Rock. His Mankind feud over the winter was a truly memorable one. Then he fought Austin and it was sort of exciting. He fought ‘Taker at KOTR and bored the shit out of me. He’s hilarious in his interviews and his two moves are great, but his matches as of late have really sucked. Hopefully his Mankind feud will continue, because it’s really the only thing he’s ever had fun with. This match goes down in history as having the worst stipulation ever created. I’m sure they have used it before- like in the fucking 80’s or some shit. (Side note: I read on the ‘net that Bob Backlund had the WWF Title for 7 years in the 70’s. That must’ve been boring. These days no one keeps the title for more than one ppv it seems). The STRAP stipulation had HHH and the Rock have a leather ten foot strap tied around their wrists. At least the Dog Collar stipulation is more exciting because it’s around their neck. This match was bad, too, so maybe that’s why I hated the stipulation. I hope Rocky gets some new feuds soon and starts to be funny again in the squared circle. Kane would be a great opponent. I love that is-he-human bastard. I hope they have a stipulation coming up where Kane has to take off his mask if he loses, then he’ll lose and have all this gnarled makeup on. That would be wicked. *

+THE UNDERTAKER vs. ‘STONE COLD’ STEVE AUSTIN: I was so bored watching Fully Lame that I tried to figure out the last time that Austin was not in the main event of a pay per view. Survivor Series 1998 had Rock/Mankind main event. Expect that streak to grow and grow, unless Austin injures himself. WWF has their head up their ass in basing most everything around Austin. If he’s injured and has to leave for a month or two WWF is fucking done. They’ve barely gone two Raw weeks without him. I’d love to see Mankind or The Rock or Kane in a main event without Austin. Okay, enough of this stupid meaningless bullshit. What do we want? Blood! When do we want it? Now! I love First Blood matches. They are the third best stipulation, only behind Barbed Wire matches and Ladder matches. I like Ladder matches the best because how many fucking Barbed Wire matches are there? I’ve seen one (Sabu/Terry Funk). First Blood is great because since they’re using fake blood packets, anything can go wrong anytime. I think they had this one under control, though, being that the outcome was massive. Either Vince goes or Austin as Champ goes. Some loser on the ‘net mentioned that Austin was supposed to lose. I don’t buy it, Undertaker’s blood was almost as fake as Austin’s obvious forehead blood pack. It was so fake it was a perfect maroon rectangle easily obscured underneath his bandage. The actual wrestling of this match was beyond bad, but once the match was finished it got really funny. Austin hit Shane with a chair, Austin attempted to shake Vince’s hand, then stunned him twice. Then he bled like a stuck pig as X-Pac and HHH showed up. Austin bleeding like there wasn’t a tomorrow as he held the belt high was a memorable sight. Too bad the ppv itself was not. **1/2 only because of what happened after the match.


    Fully Lame is over. Was it good? If you read any of my match thoughts above you’d know that it was a bad ppv, definitely the worst WWF ppv I’ve seen. I’d have to give it *1/2 stars out of ****. Technically it received a 12.4, which is higher than WCW’s GAB which had a low 11.2 which hopefully will forever be the lowest, I’d hate to sit through anything worse. Fully Loaded didn’t exactly have much going for it anyway. I guess the fact that every ppv is going to be a big one as opposed to the big 5 was a fat lie for everyone to order them each month. I predicted a marginal 6 out of 9, which is a 66.6, a solid D. Summerslam is next month and a week earlier, so there’s one less Raw to pump up the HHH/Austin/ref Ventura matchup. I don’t expect much from that matchup. HHH is one of the worst wrestlers going today. Hopefully they’ll pull some good tricks out of a hat for Ventura. Expect Ventura and Austin to chug beers proudly to end the night. The othe rumored match is a Big Show/Kane/’Taker gates of Hell match, which is a stipulation that sounds cool but what exactly is it? Who knows…rumors also say ‘Taker may take some time off to get his leg fixed, and that Jericho won’t show up until probably Semptember…which makes Summerslam to be pretty lame. Who will The Rock face? Hopefully a great opponet. The next pay per view for me is the Black Hills of South Dakota epic, Road Wild, the Sturgis based event, which is Saturday, August the 14th. The main event has Nash facing Hogan, but the real interesting match is Dennis Rodman verse Macho Man. I heard Ted Turner was going to be there. Sounds like a lot of fun. I’ll have my predictions in around 15 days. Until then.