WWE CROWN JEWEL

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

SAMI ZAYN vs. JD McDONAGH (9:40): Another show in a country that bans homosexuality, alcohol, porn, and women's bodies. Nice! How are we living in a world this far into human civilization where a rotten, horrible, prison-like place exists? You got me. And yet...money talks, so everyone goes there. Tyson Fury, the heavyweight boxing champ, just had a PPV in Saudi Arabia last week. Logan Paul had a boxing PPV there a few weeks ago. They're also getting the soccer World Cup in the future. I give up. So there was a wrestling show! I suppose I could protest and not watch this show. I certainly didn't pay for it, though I do pay for Comcast, which showed it on Peacock. It makes me sad that we live in a world where sex and nudity is still taboo, quasi-criminal, abhorent, only to live behind closed doors in dark shadows. How did we get to this point? It kind of makes me angry. Porn is a billion dollar business. Everyone thinks about sex all day long all the time. Why is still this weird, not talked about thing on the margins? Saudi Arabia makes women cover up their bodies in public so the women wrestler's had to all wrestle in full body suits. At least they let Sami Zayn into the country. He was previously banned because his family is from Syria. This was the pre-show match. The crowd loved Sami...which makes me wonder why he was ever banned in the first place. I only saw two females in the crowd, and both were younger girls wearing those hijabs on their head and the one covered her face with her phone when the camera was on her. I'm surprised they let women have phones. There wasn't much to this match. JD McDonagh is in a storyline where he's a sort-of member of The Judgment Day. Was he ever even a good wrestler, though? He's as dry as white toast. 1/2*

SETH ROLLINS vs. DREW McINTYRE (18:20): This was by far the best match on the show. It had good, back and forth action, a ton of near-falls at the end, and a super hot crowd. You can't really ask for anything more than that. I'd really love to see Seth Rollins in AEW where he could actually spread his wings a bit because he's a phenomenal wrestler and he's kind of handcuffed a bit in WWE. Rollins retained his title, which is a pretty meaningless title considering the other title holder, Roman Reigns, has been champ for over 3 years and is the king of WWE. ***

RHEA RIPLEY vs. NIA JAX vs. RAQUEL RODRIGUEZ vs. SHAYNA BASZLER vs. ZOEY STARK (11:05): This was mostly a sloppy mess. Rhea Ripley retained her title. Finn Balor and Dominick came out to interfere and the babyface Uso stopped them. I'm such a fan of the WWE that I don't even know who the good Uso is or the bad Uso is. Jey or Jimmy? I could look it up. I won't. And where were the WWE's two most popular women's wrestlers? Charlotte and Becky? They weren't even on this show. *

SOLO SIKOA vs. JOHN CENA (16:10): The announcers noted here and on RAW last week that Cena hasn't won a singles match since 2018 when he beat HHH in Saudi Arabia. He lost here and got destroyed at the end with multiple thumb spikes to the throat. I'm guessing this is going to lead to some sort of retirement match at Wrestlemania where Cena has to win or quit. Why else bring up that he keeps losing? While the crowd was into Cena...this wasn't very good. Cena is old and not exactly exciting anymore. Solo is a slow bore in the ring. Eh. *

LOGAN PAUL vs. REY MYSTERIO (17:55): Rey Mysterio is also old...which is why this probably wasn't as good as most Logan Paul matches. It got fairly exciting by the end, but wasn't great or anything. Logan is a great wrestler, though, and he always does a lot of fun stuff and big moves in the ring. Logan won the U.S. title...which I guess means he'll be around more often than once in a blue moon. **1/2

IYO SKY vs. BIANCA BELAIR (16:35): This was boring. They probably shouldn't have given Iyo Sky the title. The big surprise in this match was Kairi Sane returning to help Iyo retain the title. Kairi Sane left for Stardom, but I guess she wanted more money or something so she's back. Bayley also interfered but was caught off guard with Kairi Sane's return. So much drama! Who writes this shit? The WWE needs new writers. What was the last good storyline they had? Probably the Sami Zayn one, but they failed to deliver a quality climax to that one. Iyo retained the title. *

CODY RHODES vs. DAMIAN PRIEST (11:05): This was another mostly boring match. I figure Cody is beating Roman for the title next year at Wrestlemania, which begs the question: why didn't he just win it this year at 'Mania? This company baffles me sometimes. Damian attempted to cash in his MITB contract on Rollins earlier after the McIntyre match but Sami Zayn ran out to stop him. So Priest failed at that and then lost this match. What a loser! Probably not a good idea to bury the MITB contract holder, considering he's probably going to cash it in and win the title eventually, right? Then it'll be like, this loser is the champ? Dumb. Cody was super over. Do these fans actually watch WWE on TV? Since sex and nudity is forbidden in Saudi Arabia on TV...what the fuck is on their TV? Nature shows? Soccer? Do you need to, like, use a VPN to watch porn? Or do they go old school like we did back in the day and pass around used VHS porn tapes? *1/2

ROMAN REIGNS vs. LA KNIGHT (20:05): LA Knight is the latest super popular, super over wrestler that WWE has crushed and destroyed. Why even put him in this match if he's just going to lose and look like an idiot? What they should have done is had this match at Wrestlemania and have LA Knight win the title. Why not? Dude is super over with the fans. The only reason is, apparently, because the crowds like yelling his catchphrase. His catchphrase is, "Yeah!" I guess that's a take on the "yes" chants. Kind of makes the crowds seem like idiots. That's why they like him? He's not exactly great in the ring or anything, just a pedestrian Cena type that does basic moves. But having a super over and super popular guy lose makes no sense. The whole point of building up Roman is to have a new star beat him to get even more over...right? I don't think the WWE agrees. Roman hasn't even wrestled since Summerslam...and he's not on Survivor Series. I guess it doesn't matter, as all his matches are pretty much the same these days. The bad Uso interferes and costs him the title. Usually there's the announcer's table being broken and a ref bump. We didn't get a ref bump here. So Roman won thanks to interference. I'm fucking bored with this. **