WWE WRESTLEMANIA 39

 

Inglewood, California

NIGHT 1: Saturday, April 1st

AUSTIN THEORY vs. JOHN CENA (11:20): This first night was better than night 2. This match wasn't the reason. Cena did all of his famous spots but there wasn't much else to this. Cena's bald spot is glaring. Should he shave his head? Maybe he'd look weird. Austin Theory hit Cena in the balls when the ref wasn't looking and won to retain his U.S. title. Hopefully, Triple H and the idiots in creative aren't attempting to replicate Roman Reigns' never ending run with Austin Theory and his U.S. title reign. *1/2

THE STREET PROFITS vs. ALPHA ACADEMY vs. BRAUN STROWMAN & RICOCHET vs. THE VIKING RAIDERS (8:28): This was perhaps the best match of the first night. It was short but super exciting and the crowd fucking ate this up. They did a bunch of "big" spots that got the crowd into an orgiastic frenzy at points. At one point, all of the big men jumped off the top rope one after the other. Ricochet did a Shooting Star Press off the top rope to the floor. It was a lot of fun. It still pains me to see them putting Ricochet in a team with Braun Strowman. If you recall, Ricochet and Will Ospreay had that incredible match in New Japan years ago and it seemed as if they were both going to be huge, main event stars one day. Will Ospreay stayed in New Japan and honed his craft and is now one of the best wrestlers in the world. He main evented the Tokyo Dome, won the IWGP title, has had multiple 4-star matches and has evolved into being a great wrestler instead of just a guy that does flips. Ricochet, sadly, is still just a guy that does flips because he signed with WWE. I cry every time I see him. ***

SETH ROLLINS vs. LOGAN PAUL (16:16): This was another fun, entertaining match. Logan Paul came out hanging from a glider contraption that carried him down to the ring from up above, reminiscent of Shawn Michael's ascent at Wrestlemania years ago. KSI, who is another Youtube star, came out dressed in an energy drink costume. Eventually, Logan Pul did a top rope splash but landed on KSI on the announce table when Seth Rollins moved and shoved KSI onto the table at the last second. Logan Paul is very entertaining in the ring. He does all of the high flying maneuvers and comes across as a big time star. Is Seth Rollins the last star the WWE has that can take Roman Reigns' title? Because there might not be anyone left. ***

BECKY LYNCH, LITA & TRISH STRATUS vs. DAMAGE CTRL (BAYLEY, DAKOTA KAI & IYO SKY) (14:38): Becky Lynch was, at one point, the WWE's biggest star. Then she left to have a baby and came back as a heel for no good reason. Still, I'd have rather seen her in a singles match than this superfluous mess. I can't watch Trish Stratus without thinking of that infamous Vince McMahon/dog segment on RAW during the attitude era. Does she regret doing that? I guess not since she's still wrestling for the company that made her crawl around and bark like a dog then strip to her bra and panties on live TV. Lita did her patented moonsault. Iyo Sky did a bunch of top rope jumps. Wrestling crowds seems to love has-been legends still wrestling but I can't figure out why. *1/2

REY MYSTERIO vs. DOMINIK MYSTERIO (14:30): I find the heel Dominik Mysterio to be hilarious. Maybe some don't. If you do, you probably enjoyed this match. He threw a drink into his sister's face at ringside. His mom, at ringside, slapped him. They both delivered 619's. It's crazy that Rey Mysterio is still doing all of these high flying moves when he was doing all this 25 years ago in his apparent heyday. Fun match. **1/2

RHEA RIPLEY vs. CHARLOTTE FLAIR (23:34): This was supposed to be the main event for night 1. The reasoning was that the men were going to main event night 2 so they should let the women main event night 1. Well, fuck the women, apparently. They didn't get to main event night 1 for whatever reason. This started very boring but the last five or so minutes were pretty dramatic and exciting. The one thing I hated with this year's Wrestlemania was that they continuously had wrestlers kick out of each other's finishers to create drama and big crowd reactions. They probably do this at every Wrestlemania, though, to make it seem special or something. I think it's ridiculous. It almost ruined the Seth Rollins/Logan Paul match. They had a perfect ending after the table break but for no good reason had a kick out and kept going. There's also a reason for a finisher. It's...to finish! That's the whole point. **1/2

PAT McAFEE vs. THE MIZ (3:35): This Miz and Snoop Dog were the hosts of both nights. I forget why, but The Miz ended up wrestling Pat McAfee for a few minutes. An NFL player from the San Francisco 49's came out of the crowd to beat up The Miz as well. No, this wasn't any good. 1/2*

KEVIN OWENS & SAMI ZAYN vs. THE USO'S (24:17): Yes, Sami Zayn beating Roman Reigns for the title would have been the perfect main event at this show. The WWE has never been good at booking, though. So this was kind of like...you can't have delicious ice cream, but we'll give you some frozen yogurt instead. So Zayn and Owens beat The Uso's for the titles. The crowd got to go home happy on night 1. It wasn't as good as Zayn winning the title, but it was something. I actually thought that this match would be better. The Uso's are usually in very exciting and entertaining matches. Maybe it's because Zayn & Owens aren't a tag team and thus haven't gelled together fully. It was a good match, just not great. And the WWE so fucked it up by not having Zayn vs. Roman as the main event. Do you realize how hard it is to luck into a perfect main event? It's like winning the Powerball lottery. And it's as if they won and threw out the ticket. **1/2

NIGHT 2: Sunday, April 2nd

BROCK LESNAR vs. OMOS (4:55): Considering how much they're paying Brock Lesnar...couldn't they have given him a better match on the biggest show of the year? This wasn't as sloppy as I thought it would be. It was pretty forgettable, though. *1/2

RONDA ROUSEY & SHAYNA BASZLER vs. CHELSEA GREEN & SONYA DEVILLE vs. LIV MORGAN & RAQUEL RODRIGUEZ vs. SHOTZI & NATALYA (8:23): Outside of the two Miz matches, which really don't count, this was by far the worst match on either night. What the fuck even was this? A 4 way tag title match? Was it even for the tag titles? Last year, Liv Morgan seemed on the precipice of being a main event star. That seems gone. Ronda Rousey was once a huge star and now she's seemingly forgotten. Shotzi was super over in NXT and now they have her teaming with...Natalya? What? Does that even make sense? I give up. 1/2*

GUNTHER vs. SHEAMUS vs. DREW McINTYRE (16:36): This was a good match and very hard hitting. Two disappointing aspects of this match, though: it wasn't as good as Gunther vs. Sheamus from Clash at the Castle. And why the fuck didn't they let Sheamus win? They already had him lose in his  home country at Clash. Why is the WWE hell bent on disappointing their fans? It seems like Gunther is a part of their Roman Reigns and Austin Theory never-ending title reign playbook. You know...why not do that playbook with a babyface? Why only do it with heels which means you constantly anger your viewing audience? Gunther also doesn't look like the monster he once did when he was fatter. Now he's skin and bones. The WWE ruins everyone. I wonder if Cody is wishing he stayed in AEW about now. ***

BIANCA BELAIR vs. ASUKA (15:58): This was boring. They also should have let Asuka win the title. I can't even think of anything memorable from this match. *

THE MIZ vs. SHANE McMAHON (2:12): Shane McMahon came out to a huge pop and started to wrestle The Miz but blew out his quad after jumping over The Miz maybe twenty seconds into the match. Snoop Dog then came in and punched The Miz twice then gave him a People's Elbow. I'm not sure if someone told Snoop to do this or he just did it to save this mess. It all reminded me of the time Vince came out during a Royal Rumble and blew out both of his knees and had to sit in the corner. That was hilarious. This was just sad.

EDGE vs. FINN BALOR "HELL IN A CELL" (18:08): The big moment came when Edge threw a ladder at Finn Balor and it hit him the head. Balor was bleeding so they stopped the match while doctors tended to him. If you can't have blood in a "Hell in a Cell" match...maybe don't call it that. Edge had to stand there like an idiot for a few minutes. Other than that, the match was okay. They did all the usual stuff: they used Singapore Canes and chairs and broke a table. There was a ladder set up in the ring but t they never climbed it. Finn Balor climbed up to a set up perch halfway up the Cell and did his foot stomp through a table but Edge moved. I thought that this would've been better, actually. **

ROMAN REIGNS vs. CODY RHODES (34:29): Most people expected Cody to win the title here. After all, what was the point of having Sami Zayn lose last month? You figured Zayn lost because Cody was going to win here. When Drew McIntyre lost to Roman at Clash at the Castle, I mentioned that the WWE would probably lose a lot of fans because it was such a disappointment. They sent home a soccer stadium of fans disappointed. I was wrong. The WWE stayed hot and sold out arenas and the ratings stayed good. Then they decided not to have Sami Zayn win the Royal Rumble. Then they had Zayn lose to Roman in Montreal and sent an arena of fans home disappointed. Okay, is the third time the charm? They sent the entire SoFi Stadium crowd home disappointed on night 2 when Roman pinned Cody after Solo Sikoa interfered. How many times does the WWE have to disappoint the fans for them to stop watching the product? Maybe the WWE doesn't think it matters because it didn't after the McIntyre loss and seemingly didn't matter after the Zayn loss. Is three times the charm? There's absolutely no reason why Cody didn't win the title here. The WWE has a few arguments as to why Roman won. #1: They want to make Roman a legend and a big star by giving him a forever title reign. Okay, that's fine, but he's already had the title since August of 2020. How much fucking longer do you need? We get it! #2: Business is booming, so putting the title on someone else might change this. Okay, but you need to constantly evolve and change and grow to sustain momentum. You can't keep yourself locked in amber forever. How many times do we need to see Roman win by cheating? It's getting ridiculous. #3: They're waiting for The Rock to be available to win the title. Okay, but when the fuck is that going to happen? And he's a movie star, it's not like if The Rock wins the title he's going to be around every month to defend it and have a long reign. There's a reason why I love AEW and I don't love the WWE. Night 2 proves why. Triple H in charge of creative has not changed anything. Sure, there's less of the dumb, Vince comedy and more long-term booking than Vince's on-the-fly booking. But the big picture says that Triple H's WWE is just as disappointing, deflating, and tone-deaf as Vince's was. The WWE is so hot that Endeavor, that owns the UFC, just bought them. Will anything change? The sour taste in my mouth after watching this main event will never go away. I hope the fans feel the same way and the ratings plummet. Maybe only then will they realize the error of their ways. **1/2