WWE ROYAL RUMBLE

Minute Maid Park, Houston, Texas

SHEAMUS vs. SHORTY G (12:35): I feel so bad for Chad Gable. Granted, he could've probably signed for a different wrestling company and not been utterly humiliated. But you know what you're getting into when you sign up for Vince McMahon's circus. Sheamus apparently was close to never being medically cleared again because of his neck or something. But he's back and pretty much as boring as ever. This was the first pre-show match in the half empty Houston Astros baseball stadium (which did fill up eventually as the show either sold out or was close to a 40.000 sell out). Because of the large crowd, the non-existent Titan Tron entrance, and it being in a unique setting, it made the show look cool and it felt fresh (sort of like how AEW's show on a cruise boat last week made that show fresh and different). Gable is great, so this at least was decent. **

ANDRADE vs. HUMBERTO CARRILLO (14:20): I'm still mystified at Humberto Carrillo's massive push. He's too green, although the reason he's probably being pushed is because he's a taller guy than most cruiserweights who Vince McMahon loathes. And, granted, when I say push I just mean he seemingly skipped NXT and is all of a sudden in matches all the time out of nowhere. Both of these guys would have been better off in Mexico (La Sombra could have probably been the top star these days in CMLL if he stayed...here he's on the fucking pre-show). This should have been better. *1/2

ROMAN REIGNS vs. KING CORBIN "FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH" (21:20): This was quite the spectacle. Brawling all over the massive baseball stadium floor looked pretty cool on TV (the pin was atop the dugout). A bunch of wrestlers ran in and brawled during this match. Ziggler and Bobby Roode came out and then The Uso's ran out (one of the Uso's jumped off a scaffold). Reigns put Corbin in a Port-o Potty and tipped it. The crowd enjoyed this melee. It was fun. **1/2

WOMEN'S ROYAL RUMBLE (CHARLOTTE FLAIR) (54:20): I don't really like this show as much as I used to because sitting through two Royal Rumble matches on one night just lessens the impact and entertainment of both of them. It probably helped that I didn't watch this live and so I didn't watch the whole thing straight through in one sitting. There were a few entertaining moments in this match. One was that Otis, the fat, funny, loveable tag team wrestler was helping the hot, out of his league blonde, Mandy Rose. When Rose was thrown out, Otis laid on the ground so that she landed on him and wasn't eliminated. Then when she was thrown out he caught her to save the day. The one thing that good wrestling shows do is present entertaining plotlines that can get you engaged. The fat dude in love with the hot chick is actually a great story. Whether or not the WWE does anything with this is anyone's guess (they fail at this 99% of the time...they aced the Daniel Bryan winning the title at 'Mania storyline partially against their will...and they definitely aced the CM Punk winning the title and leaving the company at that great Money in the Bank show...and that's the only two great storylines the WWE has successfully written that actually started and ended well in the last fifteen or so years). Can you imagine them milking this storyline with Otis and Mandy? Him winning the title and her finally kissing him? The roof would blow off the place. The other semi-amusing moment was Liv Morgan and Lana meeting again and brawling (this all started at the Lana/Lashley wedding when it was revealed that Lana and Liv had previously been lovers but, now, hate each other). Charlotte won by throwing Shana Baszler over the top rope. I guess this means that we'll get a Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte match at WrestleMania. That should, honestly, be the main event. Because who the hell wants to see Drew McIntyre vs. Lesnar? **

BAYLEY vs. LACEY EVANS (9:20): Ugh. Lacey Evans' husband and daughter were at ringside and the daughter had on a cute Southern Belle outfit. When she grows up she'll probably ask her mother what a Southern Belle is because nobody young today knows. She's a Southern Belle character because Vince is living in the ancient past when a Southern Belle was, like, actually a character in TV and in movies. Might as well add some Jim Crow style servants while they're at it. Bayley as a heel doesn't work. This was about as forgettable as an episode of CSI. -No Stars-

"THE FIEND" BRAY WYATT vs. DANIEL BRYAN "STRAP MATCH" (17:35): Daniel Bryan is so good he actually got a fairly good strap match out of Bray Wyatt. A frigging Strap Match! Probably a Chairs Match is the only thing worse. I cringe seeing Bryan still in the WWE every time he wrestling because by now I had hoped to see him wrestling Kenny Omega in AEW or competing in New Japan or, hell, anywhere else. But he signed the contract and he's probably here for life, showing how great he is in lame strap matches against demonic, magical beings. On a positive note, they listening to the entire world and got rid of the red light. **1/2

BECKY LYNCH vs. ASUKA (16:25): Well you would think that these two would have had a great match since Lynch is over and Asuka is a good wrestler. You would be wrong! Lynch isn't really as hot anymore, either, for whatever reason (lame WWE booking, perhaps?). I'm not sure what happened, but these two bored the hell out of me and did nothing noteworthy. Forgettable, forgotten. 1/2*

MEN'S ROYAL RUMBLE (DREW MCINTYRE) (1:00:50): The beginning of this match was great. The end, not so great. Brock Lesnar is the RAW champion...so why he was even in this still baffles me because the winner gets a title shot. So why would he even waste his time doing this? Logic! Either way, Lesnar was by far the best part. Yes, it's sad that he just destroys everyone in the company and makes all of their stars look like losers. I guess I've just gotten used to that. It was certainly entertaining seeing him come out and #1 and just quickly eliminate and destroy the first ten or so guys in this. A few of them got some offense on him but even his elimination was kind of a cheat (Ricochet gave him a low blow and Drew McIntrye kicked him and he went over the top rope). The big showdown was Keith Lee and Lesnar, which turned out to be mostly a letdown as Lee didn't last too long. I was hoping that Walter would come out and eliminate Lesnar, leading to a main event at 'Mania with Lesnar/Walter for the title. Well that was obviously never going to happen. The two surprises were MVP and Edge. Edge has been out since 2011 because of neck surgery, so it was kind of sad seeing him do this. I can see why Bryan fought really hard to be reinstated because he's still kind of young. Edge was almost paralyzed, wasn't he? Neck fusion surgery? And he's old, he doesn't need to be doing this. He's cleared so I guess I shouldn't be negative. The final few guys were Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Samoa Joe, Edge, Orton, and McIntyre. Edge turned on his friend, Orton, to eliminate him, so I suppose they'll have a 'Mania match. Everyone teamed up to eliminate Rollins. McIntyre ended up eliminating Reigns (who the crowd booed at the end) to win. So they're pushing McIntyre, huh? McIntyre against Lesnar? Jesus Christ, is that all that the wizards in the booking department can come up with? The crowd cheered when McIntyre won and I still can't fathom why. Has he been pushed as a good guy on RAW lately? I thought he was a heel? So now will the main event at 'Mania be Lesnar/McIntyre, Flair/Lynch, or The Fiend/Reigns? Kind of a lame card, no? I do admit that this show was pretty entertaining and one of the better WWE shows as of late (probably half as good as a NXT: Takeover, though). The future for this company in terms of entertainment value still doesn't look that good. They need better/bigger stars and great blood feuds with matches you actually can't wait to see. They've got the talent but, unfortunately, they just keep pushing the wrong guys. Vince likes big, muscle dudes like McIntyre that will never be in a great match. That's never changed about Vince. As Faulkner once wrote: "The past isn't dead, it's not even past." **1/2