WWE CROWN JEWEL

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

SHINSUKE NAKAMURA vs. RUSEV (9:30): This show was live at 12 noon Eastern on a Friday. I suppose I could go on and on about how awful Saudi Arabia is...but what's the point? The U.S. has been doing business with the country for years no matter what terrible things they do (public beheadings, murdering newspaper critics, banning homosexuality, alcohol, and porn, treating women like slaves, starting a war with Yemen, etc.), and so is it that surprising that the WWE still does shows there? The show ended up being perhaps the worst WWE show of all time, if that's any consolation. This match was on the hour long pre-show. Shockingly, the name of the country was never mentioned during the broadcast. They did have Renee Young doing commentary without a head scarf, though. Progress! They showed the crowd a lot; kids, women in burqa's. I feel so bad for those people. Then again, they're born there, they grow up there, maybe they don't realize how prison-like it is. Or do they? And what're they gonna do? Rebel and be imprisoned? Killed? Hard to enjoy a wrestling show with that doom hanging over it. And this was the start of the endless, boring, pedestrian matches on the card. Nakamura retained the U.S. title. 1/2* (out of ****)

REY MYSTERIO vs. RANDY ORTON (5:30): Mysterio is back and looks great. Weird, because he was great in the late 90's...what the fuck? Is he immortal? Orton lost then beat him up post-match. This was a first round match in the "Best in the World" tournament that had only North Americans and was eventually won by someone not in the tournament. *1/2

THE MIZ vs. JEFF HARDY (7:05): This was like a house show. No one really did much and the matches were all short except for the main event. This was a part of the soon to be forever infamous "Best in the World" tournament. *

SETH ROLLINS vs. BOBBY LASHLEY (5:30): Another tournament match. Lashley sucks. He's so big and dumb and plodding. He is old, so I guess that's one excuse. Rollins might be WWE's big star now that Roman Reigns is out battling leukemia. *

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. KURT ANGLE (8:10): Angle looked as good as possible considering he's old and broken. This was another tournament match. The crowd chanted, "You suck!" when Angle entered. That was amusing. *1/2

CESARO & SHEAMUS vs. THE NEW DAY (10:30): These teams have had some great matches in the past, but, man, this sucked. It was dull. The New Day came out on a big, flying carpet type of rig. *

THE MIZ vs. REY MYSTERIO (11:15): The second round of the tournament. The Miz won. I wonder if Mysterio is questioning his WWE return at this moment. *1/2

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. SETH ROLLINS (13:05): This is the blood feud that no one cares about. Ziggler won which means we're getting a Ziggler vs. Miz final to crown the best wrestler in the world. Huh? *1/2

AJ STYLES vs. SOMOA JOE (11:15): Daniel Bryan was supposed to wrestle AJ for the title here but he refused to go to Saudi Arabia (even though he wrestled there in the Greatest Royal Rumble event earlier this year) so they had AJ beat Bryan clean on Smackdown before this show. This was probably the best match on the show, though it was short and just okay. **

BROCK LESNAR vs. BRAUN STROWMAN (3:15): Roman Reigns has leukemia so he had to leave the WWE and forfeit the title. So this was for the title and Lesnar won quickly after Baron Corbin, RAW's GM, hit Strowman in the head with the title then Lesnar delivered five or so F5's. Strowman kept kicking out for awhile but he still got destroyed. Lesnar was suppose to be going to the UFC so I'm not sure why he won the title here. *1/2

SHANE McMAHON vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER (2:30): This was the final match in the "Best in the World" tournament. John Cena wouldn't go to Saudi Arabia so he wasn't in the tournament. So maybe you would think that, well, it's not really the best wrestlers in it, anyway. Well it got worse. The Miz got injured so couldn't wrestle, so Shane announced he would wrestle here even though he didn't wrestle in the first or second round, wasn't in the tournament, and is a GM, not a wrestler. Shane quickly won then ran around with the trophy. This was apparently set up to turn Shane heel eventually. What a stupid fucking story. This is the best they can come up with? 1/2*

HHH & SHAWN MICHAELS vs. KANE & THE UNDERTAKER (27:45): Shawn Michaels returned to wrestle for the first time in eight years. That would normally be a big deal, but with the whole Saudi Arabia controversy swirling around everything, his return was kind of an afterthought. He's bald now and did a moonsault off the top rope and landed hard on his face. HHH injured his pec muscle and now needs surgery. Kane's mask/hair came off during this match. My God was this a disaster. The crowd cheered for a lot of it but that was just because they were probably happy to see these stars in the flesh. This show and this match were atrocious. And yet, the WWE signed a ten year deal with Saudi Arabia so we'll be seeing shows like this every year for too long. -No Stars-