WCW’s UNCENSORED

Louisville, Kentucky

I didn’t write predictions for Superbrawl IX but I am now. Why? Because I can. I did do predictions for Superbrawl IX but they were in my notebook not this. Uncensored has a better card than Wrestlemania XV. You probably don’t believe me but it does. Wrestlemania is so big and Uncensored so flimsy that of course I think Wrestlemania will end up a helluva lot better. It better end up better, with all this hype. But Uncensored has the best card in a long time. Not just one big fight but two I’m looking forward to. Two fights that should be, at least, fucking awesome. The winners I put in bold:

Hollywood Hogan vs. The Nature Boy Rick Flair: this is a cage match. The cage has no doors, and on top of the cage is barbed wire. Also on the wcw.com it stated that the match is a first blood match. We all know the barbed wire is fake and these two can’t really do any cool moves (see Superbrawl IX), but expect an entertaining fight. I hope Sting shows up, dropping down into the cage. It wouldn’t be a first but it would be one hell of an entrance. I thought Ric Flair would have won last month at the brawl but since he lost he’ll definitely win the belt at Uncensored, and I’m guessing it will be with the help of Sting. Added stipulation: If Flair wins he gets wcw for life. If Hogan wins Flair has to “disappear” from wrestling forever. Uh…Flair still wins.

Raven vs. Hak vs. Bam Bam Bigelow: A triple threat match! Guaranteed to be the best match of the night. I actually thought they should have these 3 former ECW stars wrestle together before it was announced. This is going to be insane. I’m sure they’ll tame the blood down, but except chairs and tables to figure prominently into it. It’s a toss up as to who probably will win, but I’m guessing on Raven for obvious reasons. (okay it’s a fucking clear cut guess, happy?)

The Cat w/ Sonny Ono vs. Jerry Flynn: Okay, who the fuck is this loser Flynn? I hate that WCW still has ppv’s with the likes of Norman Smiley vs. Simon Kevlar. It sucks. I love The Cat but don’t make him fight Flynn! Sonny Ono in the ring in this “handicapped” match will only make it more of a joke. The Cat definitely will win, though. He’s funny and he wasn’t at Superbrawl IX so I should be happy. If Macho Man shows up it’ll be the best ppv WCW ever put on.

Saturn vs. Chris Jericho: This “dog collar” match should be pretty decent. Saturn/Jericho is turning into a Rock/Mankind deal, but this should be the last of it, since Saturn is supposed to get his new Marilyn Manson-esque Satan gimmick. I picked Saturn at Superbrawl and he failed me, but he’d better win here. Expect a cool
match.

“Big Sexy” Kevin Nash vs. Rey “The Giant Killer” Mysterio Jr.: Mysterio took his mask off and now he’s fighting big dudes and winning. I think it’s stupid because the big dude kicks Mysterious ass the entire match until the surprise turnaround win. Mysterio used to be the only wrestler to watch, now with his mask off he sucks. Go fight Kidman and do your awesome high flying maneuvers and stay away from Nash. This match will suck…guaranteed. And since the Giant Killer won on Nitro, expect Nash to win with the help of the Wolfpac.

Dean Malenko & Chris Benoit vs. Curt Hennig & Barry Windham: This is a lumberjack belt match…whatever the fuck that is. I predicted it after Superbrawl that the horsemen would win the belts either on nitro or Uncensored. Hopefully with the lumberjack quotient involved it’ll be better than those 2 borefest matches these two tag teams pulled off at Superbore.

Mickey Whipwreck vs. Kidman: I know…Mickey Whipwreck? Who in fucks sake is this loser? Well he’s debuting…at a ppv! He better be awesome. So far the only ppv’s that debut someone are ones involving Paul “The Giant” Wight (wwf & wcw debuted The Giant this way…beating up Stone Cold and Hogan, respectively), so this Whipwreck dude better kick ass. Oh yeah, Kidman should win because Mickey is a freshman and Kidman has had the belt since the goddamned Fall, don’t expect him to lose it to this nobody.

Stevie Ray vs. Vince: This match should be the ultimate handicapped match, seeing that Vince (formery known as “Vincent”) sucks and Stevie Ray is, well, better than Vince. Expect Vince to win and gain control of the black & white NWO (this is the match’s stipulation) because I can see Stevie Ray re-uniting with his former partner or at least being out of the N.W.O., I can’t see Vince being out of the N.W.O., where the hell would he go? He’d end up being fired because now he barely does anything, even though he is pretty funny. Expect a horribly bad match, but expect Vince to come out on top in some kind of cheap way…probably with the help of the slapjack.

    Okay folks, Uncensored is over and Nitro will be coming my way shortly. Was it anything I expected? The more I thought about it, yes, it was exactly as I expected. In everyones heart it could have been much, much, much, much better. The triple threat match could have been better, the cage match could have made some sense, and Scott Steiner should learn how to entertain. But other than that, it was pure WCW, basic, nothing really awesome or cool, same old shit, fairly entertaining, a little better than Superbrawl 9, but in the end just good old WCW. Here’s my thoughts on each match, and there’s a check next to the one’s in which I precicted correctly:

+MIKEY WHIPWRECK VS. KIDMAN: Possibly the best match of the night. No blood, no tables, no steel cage, no barb wire (or as Heenan says, bob wire), just some high flying moves. Kidman always entertains, and this former ECW star Whipwreck shows he’s pretty decent in what was his WCW debut. Kidman obviously wins, and even though Whipwreck covered Kidman way too much (was he really trying to win?), I can see a cool future with him and a few other of the tough dudes. ***

VINCE VS. STEVIE RAY: Come…on. Did you expect a great Harlem Street Fight? The best thing these two did was to go into the stands and fight on the chairs where the camera crew works. Short and unsweet, it was what I expected. The ending was sort of a surprise, giving us Horace Hogan who states that this match is meaningless because he’s the real leader of the N.W.O. black and white. I thought Vince would win but when Horace showed up I knew I’d be wrong. **

+KEVIN NASH VS. REY MYSTERIO JR.: Mysterio is a good wrestler but he’s wasting his time with these losers. Have him wrestle Whipwreck or someone of his calibur. This match was the same shit they had on Nitro, only Nash won obviously so maybe Mysterio will head back to his own weight division. **

THE CAT & SONNY ONOO VS. JERRY FLYNN: Was it me, or did they fuck up the outcome? I honestly doubt Flynn was supposed to win, it looked to me like the ref messed up and counted to 3 instead of 2 ½. All in all a boring match, the only humorous thing was when The Cat came out in his cowboy hat. Hilarious. Bad match. The Cat is funny but his matches aren’t. *1/2

BAM BAM BIGELOW VS. HAK VS. RAVEN: I expected this triple threat match featuring former ECW stars to be the best of the night. Was it? Probably. Raven’s gal Chastity came to the ring with a dumpster full of goodies; shovels, an ironing board, a fire extinguisher, brooms, etc. There were 3 tables broken and Hak brought his singapore cane into the fray. Hak eventually won after Chastity turned on Raven with a head to the crotch. It could have been better. It could have been more hardcore, but I understand this is WCW and they don’t want to be like the WWF, even if this ppv is about as close as it gets. Expect Hak and Raven to fight over Chastity at Spring Stampede, and maybe it’ll be a barb wire match, because in the Spring Stampede graphic, there’s a circle of barb wire over the title. I can still wish can’t I? ***

+CURT HENIG & BARRY WINDHAM VS. DEAN MALENKO & CHRIS BENOIT: Who didn’t think the horsemen would win this? Because their 2 matches at Superbrawl made it look like Superbore, they added an Uncensored stipulation: the match would be a lumberjack belt match. When I heard this I said to myself..what the fuck is a lumberjack belt match? Well they have guys stand around the ring to make sure no one can escape or cheat or anything. If someone goes outside or is thrown out the “lumberjacks” whip them with their belts. All in all a very stupid, silly match. If the lumberjacks weren’t there it would have been worse, so that’s cool. Arn Anderson helps the horsemen win with his tire iron. Is it me…because I thought only the bad guys cheat to win. *1/2

+CHRIS JERICHO VS. SATURN: One of the things at Uncensored I was awaiting most was this new outfit Saturn was going to show up with. The lights dimmed, the siren blared, and the background Army marching beat of Marilyn Manson’s “Beautiful People” blared as Saturn showed up with a ridiculous black/Satan/leather dress thing and colored contact lenses that made him look like a demon. His new gimmick is cool, though, I will admit. This dog-collar match was pretty entertaining. Jericho ditched the fat man, Ralphus, who probably won’t be showing up again. Saturn eventually beat the seemingly unbeatable All in all one of the most entertaining matches of the night. I hope someone took a pic of this: Jericho took the chains and wrapped them around himself, stood on the top rope and raised his hands. It was a cool looking Jericho, I love this guy, and if he does go to the WWF than he’ll be the fucking king. ***
+SCOTT STEINER VS. BOOKER T: Scott Hall was supposed to fight Booker T for the U.S. Heavyweight belt but Hall got his foot runover after Superbrawl 9. Hall would have lost the belt, but instead they let Booker gain Steiner’s almost useless TV Title. This match was so boring, Steiner is great with the mike but his matches are bore fests. Booker T is somewhat entertaining but this match was the same old shit. *

“HOLLYWOOD” HOGAN VS. “THE NATURE BOY” RIC FLAIR: I guess everyone had unrealistic expectations. A cage with no doors and barb wire on the top. If Hogan wins he not only keeps the belt, but Flair has to leave WCW forever. If Flair wins he gets to be president of WCW for life and becomes the 14 time world champion. Plus, most figured Sting would drop down into the cage, or someone would try to go in through the barb wire or fall off the cage. These were pipe dreams, distant dreams. I mean, c’mon, this is WCW we’re talking about. No matter how dumb this match was I wished Macho or Sting would have shown up. They want to win the ratings, don’t they? The fight was okay. They only used the barb wire once, and the first-blood stipulation was more or less useless, seeing that Ric Flair’s forehead poured blood after 5 minutes and the ref didn’t stop the match. Eventually Flair got the win by applying the figure four. The ref actually turned the match into a 3-count and you’ll get the belt regular match, the first-blood thing went out the window, even the announcers acknowledged that. The fight was okay, Superbrawl’s Hogan/Flair match was a tad better. The one thing I did enjoy was the fact that slowly Hogan is becoming good old Hulk and Ric Flair bad. Hogan did his hand on ear thing and “hulked” up. Ric Flair used Arn’s tire iron to win. I’m betting that the ref was paid off by Flair, and that Bischoff on Nitro will announce Flair didn’t truly become the president of WCW for life since he bled first. Expect something cool to happen because of this screw up. **1/2

I guessed 6 out of 9, which is good, right? Apparently not. That’s 66%, a D, which sucks. I seriously never thought Flynn would ever win, though I should have known better to pick Vince. All in all Uncensored was a tad better than Superbrawl IX only because of the stipulations; the dog-collar match, the cage, even the lumberjack match added some much needed humor. I give 1999’s WCW Uncensored **1/2 out of ****. It could have been so much better but this is WCW we’re talking about. If this were WWF it’d be a 4 star affair. I’m thinking that Spring Stampede probably won’t be any better, but I’m hoping their main even kicks more ass, it’ll probably be Bill Goldberg vs. Scott Steiner, which could either be awesome or same-old. I’m wishing the barb wire graphic means a true barb wire match…but this is WCW…so don’t hold your breath.