WWF WRESTLEMANIA XV

from The First Union Center in my home town, Philadelphia, PA

   I was a big WWF fan years ago, when Diesel was mean and the name Razor Ramon still had meaning. When X-Pac was called The 1-2-3 Kid, when the Undertaker had to fight himself, and when Owen Hart went full throttle against his bro. Since then I haven’t been much of a WWF fan. I loved WCW, still do, but when I heard about the first blood match between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Kane at last years King of the Ring…I was sold. If Kane loses he’ll set himself on fire. I eventually saw it on tape. But the fact was, that got me interested. Around Summer Slam when Austin beat The Undertaker I was hooked. I followed RAW and the ppv’s closely, but when 1999 rolled around I was full blown WWF fan. And this is why it pisses me off…I finally become a fan and the biggest WWF spectacle comes to my town…fucking ten minutes down the street…Wrestlemania Fif-fuckin-Teen…and I’m stuck at home sucking on a fatty. It will piss me off ‘till the day I die. But life goes on. I’ve got it free on ppv, so I’m happy. The card? I had once said WCW’s Uncensored had a better card. Now, though, with the announcement that Mankind will face Paul “The Giant” Wight, I was hook line and sinker. And even though I’ve only seen one Wrestlemania in it’s entirety (the one outside at Caesar’s palace), here’s hoping this one kicks all ass and blows the roof off of the  FU center.

My Predictions:

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN vs. THE ROCK: The main event is quite a doozy. These two have been at each others throats ever since the two have reached super stardom, and with The Rock getting the belt and turning on McMahon’s corporate side last November, the feud has been fueled by sweat, anger, and blood. What the hell am I fucking talking about? I don’t know. My guess is that The Giant will end up reffing this match, but who will win? I could go with the longshot that Paul Wight gets it, or go with the 100% concrete majority and go with Austin. If they were smart they’d go with Austin, because if they didn’t then every fan in the world would feel ripped off. I’ll go with the basic Austin. I guarantee that The Rock will leave belt-less, it’ll either be The Big Show or Austin, but c’mon, it’s gonna be Austin.

PAUL “THE GIANT/ THE BIG SHOW” WIGHT vs. MANKIND: I already more or less said that The Giant will win this match. The winner gets to be the ref at the Rock/Austin main event. I’ve heard rumors that the cage from the bossman/undertaker hell in the cell match will lower halfway through this match and Mankind will be chokeslammed off the top of it, sort of like an encore to last years dive off the top of the cage at the hands of the ‘taker. I hope this happens but don’t bet the house on it. Wight is new and they wouldn’t give a rookie a job like that. If he’s off just an inch Mankind’s a dead man. Expect the best match of the night though here, Giant’ll win.

BIG BOSSMAN vs. THE UNDERTAKER: When I heard about this match I was like…what, dude. I mean the Big Bossman? He was good like seven years ago in WWF, he’s washed up. So they add a hell in the cell (which is wwf’s “cool” lingo for an enclosed cage match) quotient to up the ante, plus the fact that McMahon’s sis was taken by the ‘taker. Expect something cool, but I can’t picture Bossman doing anything cool with the cage. I hope they sacrifice McMahon’s sis, but with this ministry deal boiling to a feverish pitch, expect an explosion. I’ll take Undertaker because he’s never lost at Wrestlemania, and even if the whole corporation comes out to battle the ministry, I can’t picture Bossman standing there with the win.

X-PAC vs. SHANE McMAHON: Shane was introduced last Fall into WWF and now he’s a major player…or not. He’s funny, and this match should be a decent charade, but definitely expect X-Pac to get the European title back. The only reason Shane got it in the first place was so he’d have a spot at his first Wrestlemania. I’m kind of mad Vince ain’t wrestling, but expect him to show his face more than twice.
 
KANE vs. TRIPLE H: Kane is awesome, but I just don’t give two shits about Triple H. I don’t like him, and I don’t hate him either. He’s okay, just not funny or entertaining enough for me. If this is a basic match than it’ll suck, but if Kane adds something cool like fire it’ll be cool. Expect HHH to win because he’s supposedly going to have a title reign this year and it can’t help if he loses to Kane who always seems to lose.
 
BART GUNN vs. BUTTERBEAN: This is apparently called a “brawl for all”, which in wwf cool terms means Boxing Match. Butterbean is a fat tub of lard, and I’ve never seen him box, but if this isn’t fixed (which I’m doubting), Butterbean will knock him cold because Gunn is inexperienced. I really hope this is a straight forward boxing match, it'’ll add a much needed oomph to all that fake punching.
 
SABLE vs. TORRI: I don’t think her name is Powers…but who cares. Originally Sable was set to lose to Luna, but things got out of control backstage. Sable is hot but as a wrestler…okay I can sort’ve buy it, but for how long? Fighting her obsessive fan, this match will be a bore fest, unless some clothes accidentally rip/fall off. I’ll take Sable on this one.
 
DOUBLE J JEFF JARRET & OWEN HART vs. ?: On Sunday Night Heat there’s going to be a tag team battle royal and the winner of it faces these losers. I read that in every single Wrestlemania new tag team champs are crowned so expect tradition to follow in step, just who it will be is beyond me since I don’t know whose in the tournament. I know for a fact it’s not going to be LOD.
 
AL SNOW vs. BILLY GUNN vs. HARDCORE HOLLY: This should be an interesting match to say the least. I hope they go outside on Broad Street, that’ll be cool. Gunn is the current champ but what is he doing in the hardcore division? Holly already won the belt at the last ppv so expect Al Snow to come out on top with the win.

GOLDDUST vs. KEN SHAMROCK vs. ROAD DOG vs. VAL VENIS: The only reason they’re having a triple threat match and a fatal four way (quadruple threat) is so they can pack in every star they have into 3 tiny hours. Honestly, how can this match be good? It’ll be four guys all over the place, and you’ll only be seeing two at a time because you can't have a split/screen. Or can you…? It could be awesome. But who will win? At least the other matches are 50/50, this is hard. Road Dogg has the Intercontinental Championship now, so he’s not going to win. Val Venis had it, so he’s not going to win. Ken Shamrock I heard is leaving for that octagon thing so I’ll give it to Golddust, which I admit, isn’t the best decision. 

Well there it is folks…the most electrifying predictions in sports entertainment today. I just watched the WWF Rage party. It was cool for TV, but $80 for that shit? You couldn’t even see the wrestlers up close unless you were watching USA. No one cheered for any of the bands, and when DX attempted to go through the crowd they practically got killed. Shane McMahon is the fucking man. He’s so funny, he’ll be a great predecessor to Vince. The best moment of the party was when Vince was telling Kane to, “Loosen up, it’s a party.” Hilarious stuff.

My thoughts on Wrestlemania XV: it was a good ppv, especially after watching Superbore and Uncensored. WWf really puts on a good show, and truly makes WCW look as bad as it really is. I can’t see WCW ever winning the ratings back. And to think…WCW actually once won 40 weeks straight in the Monday night ratings. Unbelievable. Wrestlemania could have been a little better, notably in the Hell in the Cell match and the Mankind/Giant matchup. The rest was decent, the main even was what I expected, all in all it was basic wwf, not an “awesome” wrestlemania, but definitely worth the WM  title. The few matches I predicted correctly are checked with a +

BOB “HARDCORE” HOLLY vs. AL SNOW vs. BAD ASS BILLY GUNN: This was the first hardcore match in the history of Wrestlemania, meaning the first time the new Hardcore Title is up for grabs. I really wanted these three to go outside on Broad Street or at least in the parking lot, but no, the first ever hardcore match entirely inside. It wasn’t anything special, and it wasn’t as good as Uncensored’s triple threat hardcore match, but it wasn’t boring and surprisingly Holly got the win, which means Bob Holly has won the title in the last two ppv’s. Expect a massive backlash at WWF’s Backlash on the 25th. **1/2 (out of ****)

GOLDDUST vs. THE ROAD DOGG vs. KEN SHAMROCK vs. VAL VENIS: The title of this match (Fatal Four Way) sounds like a porno and surprisingly Val didn’t acknowledge it. This was entertaining, but again, nothing Wrestlemania worthy, just the same…old…schtick. Road Dogg isn’t a great wrestler, and since he won it was sort’ve a surprise but the crowd loves him. I chose Golddust and he ended up winning the IC belt on Raw the night after so doesn’t that count for something? **1/2
       
+BUTTER BEAN vs. BART GUN: This was a boxing match, and the best part of the night. I loved how it was a real fight, and you could tell because the inexperienced Bart Gun got his ass kicked and was knocked down twice in thirty seconds, the last blow was a brain damage-inducing uppercut that was definitely Wrestlemania worthy. Terrific fight, but the Chicken part with the ref after the match was just stupid. ****

JEFF JARRETT & OWEN HART vs. TEST & D’LO BROWN: Mark “Sexual” Chocolate” Henry is hurt so they gave D’Lo this less than impressable teamate, Test. This match was horrible. This wasn’t even St. Valentine’s Day Massacre-worthy. At least JJ and Owen Hart could have faced a real tag team. Wrestlemania apparently can’t all be good. *

PAUL “THE BIG SHOW” WIGHT vs. MANKIND: I really was looking forward to this match, but it truly let me down. Not only is Mankind the king of the ring, but Giant should have done some cool shit to Mankind, throwing him off balconies, into tables, etc. etc. etc. It didn’t help that a rumor that Mankind would be chokeslammed off of the top of the hell in the cell turned out to be false. (I never took into account how Giant would climb on top of the cage in the first place). I guess Mankind’s knee was hurting him because this match sucked. He was in some of the best matches the past few months (I Quit match and the Ladder match) and he shows up to Wrestlemania and turns out a match not even worthy of Sunday Night Heat during September. Okay, Mankind won by DQ which was a surprise but this match could have been a legend. *1/2

KANE vs. TRIPLE H: Some say Kane sucks because he doesn’t do any cool moves. I love Kane, he always gets the shit beat out of him and keeps coming back. This match was what I expected, high flying and half-decent, but Triple H just can’t entertain, I’m sorry. Chyna returns but gets disqualified. Kane wins! Kane wins! **1/2

+TORRI vs. SABLE: Come…on. Why does Sable have to come out and wrestle…can’t she just…stand there and talk or at least accompany someone to the ring. This match was worse than horrible. Nicole Bass showed up and nailed Torri, but this wasn’t Wrestlemania worthy. This was horrible. I hate women’s matches. They really suck. *

+SHANE McMAHON vs. X-PAC: I expected this match to be okay. X-Pac chases Shane around the ring and beats him up, Shane has a few cheap shots, and loses the belt to the DX member. Wow was I wrong! The best match of the night. Shane is really entertaining. His version of the Rock’s corporate elbow was hilarious, and Test and the Greenwhich boys only added to this match. Plus, Shane wins when HHH turns corporate and pedigrees X-Pac. And the match wasn’t the best of the night because of HHH’s turn. It was a great match, definitely Wrestlemania worthy. I never thought I’d be saying this but it made the Hell in a Cell look awful. ***1/2

+UNDERTAKER vs. BIG BOSSMAN: Hell in a Cell was in purgatory until they hung the mother fucker. And I read today that Bossman is on Raw next week. What the fuck? Isn’t he dead? He was hung for chrissakes!!! If Bossman had never showed his face again in wrestling I’d give this match kudos, but if he returns as an “undead” Ministry goon than it just blows. You kill a guy, even if it’s fake, he stays dead. Before the hanging this match was okay, but nothing worthy of the last Hell in the Cell match between ‘Taker and Mankind which truly was pure hell in a cell. Bossman handcuffs ‘Taker but the cuffs break. Sure, there was fake blood, but this match I knew would suck and it did. The hanging was cool but if Bossman returns that it’s just stupid. **1/2 only because of the hanging. If Bossman didn’t hang ½*.

+STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN vs. THE ROCK: I watched this match live and thought it was okay. I watched it a second time and thought it was pretty good, exactly as most expected. The stunner and rock bottom were used twice, and when the Rock gave the third ref the rock bottom it heightened the atmosphere. When The Rock missed the elbow it brought the house down, and when Austin hit the stunner we knew it was over. Could have been a little bit better, but expectations are for suckers, and this main event was exactly as I expected. ***

I predicted 5 out of 10 which is a horrible 50%, an F. So I was surprised a few times. All in a all a good Wrestlemania, but yes, just average, nothing “special” about it. But it was truly Wrestlemania because it was better than the other PPV’s they put on. I’ll give it **1/2. Backlash seems like a Wrestlemania rehash, but that’s expected. Hopefully Mankind will prove he’s truly tough next month, but for now, we’ll see you at Spring Stampede in 10 days.

WCW’s UNCENSORED

Louisville, Kentucky

I didn’t write predictions for Superbrawl IX but I am now. Why? Because I can. I did do predictions for Superbrawl IX but they were in my notebook not this. Uncensored has a better card than Wrestlemania XV. You probably don’t believe me but it does. Wrestlemania is so big and Uncensored so flimsy that of course I think Wrestlemania will end up a helluva lot better. It better end up better, with all this hype. But Uncensored has the best card in a long time. Not just one big fight but two I’m looking forward to. Two fights that should be, at least, fucking awesome. The winners I put in bold:

Hollywood Hogan vs. The Nature Boy Rick Flair: this is a cage match. The cage has no doors, and on top of the cage is barbed wire. Also on the wcw.com it stated that the match is a first blood match. We all know the barbed wire is fake and these two can’t really do any cool moves (see Superbrawl IX), but expect an entertaining fight. I hope Sting shows up, dropping down into the cage. It wouldn’t be a first but it would be one hell of an entrance. I thought Ric Flair would have won last month at the brawl but since he lost he’ll definitely win the belt at Uncensored, and I’m guessing it will be with the help of Sting. Added stipulation: If Flair wins he gets wcw for life. If Hogan wins Flair has to “disappear” from wrestling forever. Uh…Flair still wins.

Raven vs. Hak vs. Bam Bam Bigelow: A triple threat match! Guaranteed to be the best match of the night. I actually thought they should have these 3 former ECW stars wrestle together before it was announced. This is going to be insane. I’m sure they’ll tame the blood down, but except chairs and tables to figure prominently into it. It’s a toss up as to who probably will win, but I’m guessing on Raven for obvious reasons. (okay it’s a fucking clear cut guess, happy?)

The Cat w/ Sonny Ono vs. Jerry Flynn: Okay, who the fuck is this loser Flynn? I hate that WCW still has ppv’s with the likes of Norman Smiley vs. Simon Kevlar. It sucks. I love The Cat but don’t make him fight Flynn! Sonny Ono in the ring in this “handicapped” match will only make it more of a joke. The Cat definitely will win, though. He’s funny and he wasn’t at Superbrawl IX so I should be happy. If Macho Man shows up it’ll be the best ppv WCW ever put on.

Saturn vs. Chris Jericho: This “dog collar” match should be pretty decent. Saturn/Jericho is turning into a Rock/Mankind deal, but this should be the last of it, since Saturn is supposed to get his new Marilyn Manson-esque Satan gimmick. I picked Saturn at Superbrawl and he failed me, but he’d better win here. Expect a cool
match.

“Big Sexy” Kevin Nash vs. Rey “The Giant Killer” Mysterio Jr.: Mysterio took his mask off and now he’s fighting big dudes and winning. I think it’s stupid because the big dude kicks Mysterious ass the entire match until the surprise turnaround win. Mysterio used to be the only wrestler to watch, now with his mask off he sucks. Go fight Kidman and do your awesome high flying maneuvers and stay away from Nash. This match will suck…guaranteed. And since the Giant Killer won on Nitro, expect Nash to win with the help of the Wolfpac.

Dean Malenko & Chris Benoit vs. Curt Hennig & Barry Windham: This is a lumberjack belt match…whatever the fuck that is. I predicted it after Superbrawl that the horsemen would win the belts either on nitro or Uncensored. Hopefully with the lumberjack quotient involved it’ll be better than those 2 borefest matches these two tag teams pulled off at Superbore.

Mickey Whipwreck vs. Kidman: I know…Mickey Whipwreck? Who in fucks sake is this loser? Well he’s debuting…at a ppv! He better be awesome. So far the only ppv’s that debut someone are ones involving Paul “The Giant” Wight (wwf & wcw debuted The Giant this way…beating up Stone Cold and Hogan, respectively), so this Whipwreck dude better kick ass. Oh yeah, Kidman should win because Mickey is a freshman and Kidman has had the belt since the goddamned Fall, don’t expect him to lose it to this nobody.

Stevie Ray vs. Vince: This match should be the ultimate handicapped match, seeing that Vince (formery known as “Vincent”) sucks and Stevie Ray is, well, better than Vince. Expect Vince to win and gain control of the black & white NWO (this is the match’s stipulation) because I can see Stevie Ray re-uniting with his former partner or at least being out of the N.W.O., I can’t see Vince being out of the N.W.O., where the hell would he go? He’d end up being fired because now he barely does anything, even though he is pretty funny. Expect a horribly bad match, but expect Vince to come out on top in some kind of cheap way…probably with the help of the slapjack.

    Okay folks, Uncensored is over and Nitro will be coming my way shortly. Was it anything I expected? The more I thought about it, yes, it was exactly as I expected. In everyones heart it could have been much, much, much, much better. The triple threat match could have been better, the cage match could have made some sense, and Scott Steiner should learn how to entertain. But other than that, it was pure WCW, basic, nothing really awesome or cool, same old shit, fairly entertaining, a little better than Superbrawl 9, but in the end just good old WCW. Here’s my thoughts on each match, and there’s a check next to the one’s in which I precicted correctly:

+MIKEY WHIPWRECK VS. KIDMAN: Possibly the best match of the night. No blood, no tables, no steel cage, no barb wire (or as Heenan says, bob wire), just some high flying moves. Kidman always entertains, and this former ECW star Whipwreck shows he’s pretty decent in what was his WCW debut. Kidman obviously wins, and even though Whipwreck covered Kidman way too much (was he really trying to win?), I can see a cool future with him and a few other of the tough dudes. ***

VINCE VS. STEVIE RAY: Come…on. Did you expect a great Harlem Street Fight? The best thing these two did was to go into the stands and fight on the chairs where the camera crew works. Short and unsweet, it was what I expected. The ending was sort of a surprise, giving us Horace Hogan who states that this match is meaningless because he’s the real leader of the N.W.O. black and white. I thought Vince would win but when Horace showed up I knew I’d be wrong. **

+KEVIN NASH VS. REY MYSTERIO JR.: Mysterio is a good wrestler but he’s wasting his time with these losers. Have him wrestle Whipwreck or someone of his calibur. This match was the same shit they had on Nitro, only Nash won obviously so maybe Mysterio will head back to his own weight division. **

THE CAT & SONNY ONOO VS. JERRY FLYNN: Was it me, or did they fuck up the outcome? I honestly doubt Flynn was supposed to win, it looked to me like the ref messed up and counted to 3 instead of 2 ½. All in all a boring match, the only humorous thing was when The Cat came out in his cowboy hat. Hilarious. Bad match. The Cat is funny but his matches aren’t. *1/2

BAM BAM BIGELOW VS. HAK VS. RAVEN: I expected this triple threat match featuring former ECW stars to be the best of the night. Was it? Probably. Raven’s gal Chastity came to the ring with a dumpster full of goodies; shovels, an ironing board, a fire extinguisher, brooms, etc. There were 3 tables broken and Hak brought his singapore cane into the fray. Hak eventually won after Chastity turned on Raven with a head to the crotch. It could have been better. It could have been more hardcore, but I understand this is WCW and they don’t want to be like the WWF, even if this ppv is about as close as it gets. Expect Hak and Raven to fight over Chastity at Spring Stampede, and maybe it’ll be a barb wire match, because in the Spring Stampede graphic, there’s a circle of barb wire over the title. I can still wish can’t I? ***

+CURT HENIG & BARRY WINDHAM VS. DEAN MALENKO & CHRIS BENOIT: Who didn’t think the horsemen would win this? Because their 2 matches at Superbrawl made it look like Superbore, they added an Uncensored stipulation: the match would be a lumberjack belt match. When I heard this I said to myself..what the fuck is a lumberjack belt match? Well they have guys stand around the ring to make sure no one can escape or cheat or anything. If someone goes outside or is thrown out the “lumberjacks” whip them with their belts. All in all a very stupid, silly match. If the lumberjacks weren’t there it would have been worse, so that’s cool. Arn Anderson helps the horsemen win with his tire iron. Is it me…because I thought only the bad guys cheat to win. *1/2

+CHRIS JERICHO VS. SATURN: One of the things at Uncensored I was awaiting most was this new outfit Saturn was going to show up with. The lights dimmed, the siren blared, and the background Army marching beat of Marilyn Manson’s “Beautiful People” blared as Saturn showed up with a ridiculous black/Satan/leather dress thing and colored contact lenses that made him look like a demon. His new gimmick is cool, though, I will admit. This dog-collar match was pretty entertaining. Jericho ditched the fat man, Ralphus, who probably won’t be showing up again. Saturn eventually beat the seemingly unbeatable All in all one of the most entertaining matches of the night. I hope someone took a pic of this: Jericho took the chains and wrapped them around himself, stood on the top rope and raised his hands. It was a cool looking Jericho, I love this guy, and if he does go to the WWF than he’ll be the fucking king. ***
+SCOTT STEINER VS. BOOKER T: Scott Hall was supposed to fight Booker T for the U.S. Heavyweight belt but Hall got his foot runover after Superbrawl 9. Hall would have lost the belt, but instead they let Booker gain Steiner’s almost useless TV Title. This match was so boring, Steiner is great with the mike but his matches are bore fests. Booker T is somewhat entertaining but this match was the same old shit. *

“HOLLYWOOD” HOGAN VS. “THE NATURE BOY” RIC FLAIR: I guess everyone had unrealistic expectations. A cage with no doors and barb wire on the top. If Hogan wins he not only keeps the belt, but Flair has to leave WCW forever. If Flair wins he gets to be president of WCW for life and becomes the 14 time world champion. Plus, most figured Sting would drop down into the cage, or someone would try to go in through the barb wire or fall off the cage. These were pipe dreams, distant dreams. I mean, c’mon, this is WCW we’re talking about. No matter how dumb this match was I wished Macho or Sting would have shown up. They want to win the ratings, don’t they? The fight was okay. They only used the barb wire once, and the first-blood stipulation was more or less useless, seeing that Ric Flair’s forehead poured blood after 5 minutes and the ref didn’t stop the match. Eventually Flair got the win by applying the figure four. The ref actually turned the match into a 3-count and you’ll get the belt regular match, the first-blood thing went out the window, even the announcers acknowledged that. The fight was okay, Superbrawl’s Hogan/Flair match was a tad better. The one thing I did enjoy was the fact that slowly Hogan is becoming good old Hulk and Ric Flair bad. Hogan did his hand on ear thing and “hulked” up. Ric Flair used Arn’s tire iron to win. I’m betting that the ref was paid off by Flair, and that Bischoff on Nitro will announce Flair didn’t truly become the president of WCW for life since he bled first. Expect something cool to happen because of this screw up. **1/2

I guessed 6 out of 9, which is good, right? Apparently not. That’s 66%, a D, which sucks. I seriously never thought Flynn would ever win, though I should have known better to pick Vince. All in all Uncensored was a tad better than Superbrawl IX only because of the stipulations; the dog-collar match, the cage, even the lumberjack match added some much needed humor. I give 1999’s WCW Uncensored **1/2 out of ****. It could have been so much better but this is WCW we’re talking about. If this were WWF it’d be a 4 star affair. I’m thinking that Spring Stampede probably won’t be any better, but I’m hoping their main even kicks more ass, it’ll probably be Bill Goldberg vs. Scott Steiner, which could either be awesome or same-old. I’m wishing the barb wire graphic means a true barb wire match…but this is WCW…so don’t hold your breath.