WWE WRESTLEMANIA XXXII

From AT&T Stadium in Arlington, TX

KALISTO vs. RYBACK (8:58): This match started at 5:45 PM Eastern time. The show ended at 11:47 PM. That's six hours of wrestling. Too much! It was even longer than a NJPW ppv...which is saying something. And Wrestlemania was a good, entertaining show. Either it's always been like this or it's new...but Wrestlemania isn't really about year-long feuds ending in big matches or a show featuring the best matches of the year. No, Wrestlemania is more about spectacle. Snoop Dogg! Shaq! Old wrestlers from the past showing up and only fake punching! If you wanted a masterpiece of a match you had to watch Friday's NXT Takeover show. Shinsuke Nakamura made his debut against Sami Zayn and it was a great, brutal match (the crowd chanted, "Fight forever!" at one point). And while I haven't seen them yet, the independent wrestling promotion EVOLVE apparently put on two of the best matches of the weekend with Will Ospreay vs. Zach Sabre, Jr. and Will Ospreay vs. Richochet. And ROH and CZW put on shows in the Dallas area. So while this Wrestlemania was a great show or anything, the whole weekend is a lot of fun for wrestling fans even if you're not in town. As for this match...for the coveted U.S. title...it was simple, short, harmless. Ryback sucks and always will. The WWE should probably have figured this out by now. *1/2

TEAM TOTAL DIVAS vs. TEAM B.A.D. & BLONDES (11:25): So this was the first pre-show match (shown on the USA network). I guess the Kalisto/Ryback match, on the WWE Network, was the pre-pre-show. So this was a ten woman match with all the stars of a show I don't watch, E!'s Total Divas. Eva Marie, the red-haired chick that looks like a porn star, was booed heavily. Paige was there. The Bella twins shows up, though one's retiring and one's quitting. It was at least entertaining with so much chaos. **1/2

THE USO'S vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ (5:18): Another pre-show match. The Uso's both jumped off the top rope onto The Dudley's on tables at the same time. That was cool. The Dudley's have to leave. Their time has passed. *1/2

ZACK RYDER vs. SAMI ZAYN vs. KEVIN OWENS vs. SIN CARA vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. THE MIZ vs. STARDUST "LADDER MATCH" (15:23): The best match on the show. This was a typical spot-fest. Sin Cara was pushed off the ladder and landed onto Stardust who was laid out on a ladder bridge at ringside. Sami Zayn leaped through a ladder and the ropes to the floor to topple everyone. Zack Ryder did an elbow drop from the top of the ladder. The finish was great. The Miz, alone at the top of the ladder, decided to relish his presumed victory by sitting on the top of the ladder and basking in the crowd hatred. Zack Ryder climbed up the ladder, pushed The Miz off, and won the IC title. Zack Ryder! Who wasn't even on TV in years. Or was he? It was cool to see a nobody win, to see someone new get a push. The crowd loved it. Then he lost the IC title to The Miz on RAW. Oh, well. ***1/2

CHRIS JERICHO vs. AJ STYLES (17:10): Jericho is old and not as entertaining in the ring. AJ Styles is awesome but even he can only do so much. Jericho won for no good reason (I guess they want to reward him for coming back every year). The big problem was that this was their third singles match. After that they teamed together briefly then had a falling out. So we're sick of these two facing each other. It was okay. **

THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS vs. THE NEW DAY (10:03): The best part was The New Day's entrance. They came out of a giant Booty-O's cereal box. The match was forgettable, but afterwards Shawn Michaels, 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin, and HBK came out to take on The League of Nations (who, post-match, had said that nobody could beat them or something ridiculous). So we had some 'Stone Cold' stunners and Mr. Socko and super-kicks and beer and The New Day showing the old-heads how to dance and the crowd fucking loved it. It was fun. **1/2

DEAN AMBROSE vs. BROCK LESNAR "STREET FIGHT" (13:06): Probably the one true disappointment on the show...only because with these two and it being a Street Fight you'd except a wild melee. They used Singapore canes and steel chairs. No tables broken. It was mostly a one-sided beat down. Ambrose pulled out a barbed wire bat and a chainsaw from under the ring but never used them. The best matches Lesnar has been in since returning have been the ones that are back and forth. When it's like this and mostly a destruction it's just kind of boring. **

CHARLOTTE vs. BECKY LYNCH vs. SASHA BANKS (16:03): Good match. Charlotte doing a moonsault off the top rope to the floor was the best part. Sasha Banks is a true star. She's the best women's wrestler in the WWE since AJ. She's gorgeous, good in the ring, and has the swagger and personality for this business. But she lost thanks to Ric Flair's interference. This was also the first match for the Women's title. Diva's no more. ***

THE UNDERTAKER vs. SHANE McMAHON "HELL IN A CELL" (30:05): This match was both mostly awful and exactly what we wanted. It's a tough one to grade because early on this was one of the worst matches ever. Seeing Shane put The Undertaker in a submission hold and then kick out of The Last Rites was just ridiculous. But Shane did what we all wanted to see: jump off something high. And he certainly did that. After The Undertaker grabbed Shane and plowed him through the side of the cage and it broke open, things got interesting. Shane put The Undertaker in a sleeper hold (groan) and they ended up both crashing through an announce table. Then Shane laid 'Taker on the main announce table and climbed up the cell. I really didn't think anyone would ever jump off that thing ever since they made it higher (Mankind was thrown off it and Rikishi was pushed off onto a truck filled with sawdust...but the cell wasn't as tall then). Shawn Michaels, Dean Ambrose, and Seth Rollins have fallen off the side of it. But man, Shane O'Mac jumped off the top of it and crashed through the announce table ('Taker moved away and the cameraman ran for the hills). The table wasn't the usual table. You could tell they built it special for this. And it was certainly a memorable Wrestlemania moment. It may be the craziest thing I've ever actually seen in wrestling, albeit I think Shane's leap from the Titantron against The Big Show was higher. If he had missed or tripped he'd probably be dead or paralyzed. And what does that say about him? About us? The crowd was even chanting, "Don't do it!" when he was standing at the top. I guess it's too bad the rest of the match was fairly awful (The Van Terminator was cool...and after the big leap, 'Taker pulled Shane back in the ring to Tombstone him and win). Does it matter? It was a highlight that will be shown and talked about forever. And it was fucking awesome. ***

THE ANDRE THE GIANT BATTLE ROYAL (BARON CORBIN) (9:41): Well Shaq showing up as a participant was amusing. The rest...not so much. Baron Corbin is everything that's wrong with the WWE. He "looks" the part; he's big, tall, mean. But he's a fucking bore. But he's on the main roster now after an uninspiring stint in next (even The Greatest Man That Ever Lived couldn't get a good match out of him on NXT Takeover on Friday). He won this after pushing Kane out. **

THE ROCK vs. ERICK ROWAN (0:06): The Rock came out, used a blow-torch gun to light a R.O.C.K. sign on fire, told the crowd the attendance number, then was interrupted by The Wyatt family. "You say you're the eater of worlds," The Rock said to Bray Wyatt. "But I think you're just the eater of Hot Pockets." So The Rock said he was ready to wrestle a match, and tore off his outfit to reveal wrestling trunks. So he wrestled Erick Rowan and gave him a Rock Bottom and pinned him right away. John Cena came out and they both beat up The Wyatt family to generous crowd approval (although the crowd noise live and what was heard on TV are apparently two different things...during the main event it was said that they muted the boos for Roman Reigns...hence the funny sign on RAW someone held up). **1/2

ROMAN REIGNS vs. HHH (27:11): Wrestlemania hasn't had a great main event on paper in awhile, have they? Last year was Reigns vs. Lesnar. Two years ago was Batista vs. Orton vs. (maybe) Daniel Bryan. I guess the years of Andre/Hogan, Rock/Austin, etc. are over. The WWE could have a great Wrestlemania main event if they got their head out of their ass. AJ Styles vs. Brock Lesnar? Hello? Either way, this match went on so late (starting after 11 PM eastern time) that they probably would have had to bring out a reunited Shield to have surprised and entertained us (they didn't). So the match turned out to be a basic PPV main event. The only highlight was Stefanie (who looked super hot in her black leather, slut outfit) getting speared. The other cool moment was Reigns spearing HHH through one of the barricades at ringside. Reigns won clean and is the new champ. Not a memorable nor a particularly good Wrestlemania main event. **